Blue States Lose


It's time for our weekly refresher on the latest bandana trends, wherein we sift through the hundreds of hipstard photos on The Cobrasnake, Last Night’s Party, Misshapes, and Ambrel so you don't have to. After the jump, Joey Arak touches you in an inappropriate way.

10) Last Night's Party. BK Bottle photo #8313: We're kind of hesitant to break this news and step on FOX's toes, but we have it on good authority that these are the four finalists on the upcoming summer show "So You Think You Can Master Aloof and Cool?" Who wins? Hint: Have you seen the head-tilt on that little thing in the red? Now that's motivation.

9) Last Night's Party. Rawkerz Las Vegas photo #5240: This dude is so purely authentic that his token tiny Asian girlfriendwhile clich dmight actually be a relationship grounded in genuine human emotion. Wait ... nah.

8) Last Night's Party. BK Bottle photo #8205: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa ... whoa ... whoa ... whoa. You're telling me that this fabulous speciman of superhipsterdomcomplete with all-black attire, trendy accessories and perfect side-swept bangsisn't from New York? Holy shit, there's a traitor in our midst! Well, as long as everyone else in Williamsburg is originally from New York City, everything should still be fine.

7) Last Night's Party. Rawkerz Las Vegas photo #5595: At the end of Boyz In Tha Hood, Ice Cube's do-gooder little brother gets senselessly murdered right when his family gets word that he got a football scholarship that would have taken him out of South Central for good. We always thought that was the most depressing thing we had ever seen. Until now, that is.

6) The Cobrasnake. Hand Van Cable TV photo #5739: We've said it before and we'll say it again: We love consistency in our hipster youth. Take this fellow, for example. Not only does he clearly agree with the right to bare arms, but he also clearly agrees with the right to bare his arms. There's so much arm baring going on in this motherfucker that the drummer from Def Leppard is waiting outside hoping to collect the runoff. Poor, shattered man.

5) Last Night's Party. BK Intimacy photo #8994: We're really trying to be a little bit nicer around here to avoid the whole going-to-Hell thing, so let's really give this one some TLC. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Well, the least offensive thing we can think of is that if The Joker fucked Batman (a really hard hatefuck; like, an almost-rape, or something), this would probably maybe sorta be the only the half-worst thing that Batman would expel from his birthing canal? Shit, this is hard. Could this person look any more retarded?

4) Misshapes. July 22, 2006 photo #055: Friends, what's the point anymore? We've already reached the age of post-irony, if this week's crop is any indication. The mock-gymnast aesthetic that used to be the comedic heart and soul of Misshapes (Leotard Fantastic, anyone?) has given way to actual gymnastic routines. The dressing like old men has given way to actual old men. They're even putting the people wearing headbands all in a row, lining them up for an intended firing range of mockery. Once Misshapes starts telling the jokes, what more is left to say? Oh wait, how about "Nice neckerchief, doucheflake!" Yeah, that one still goes down well.

3) The Cobrasnake. Two Three Eight 45 photo #5268: In The Grudge, the main villain was this freaky little Asian ghostboy with a pale white face who makes screeching cat noises. At the Union Square movie theater, we saw a poster for The Grudge 2, and if this isn't the monster that terrorizes Sarah Michelle Gellar, we're going to have to give it a hearty round of whatthefuck. She's shooting dragons out of her arms, for fuck's sake!

2) Misshapes. July 22, 2006 photo #312: The title character and protagonist of the novel, Gatsby is a fabulously wealthy young man living in a Gothic mansion in West Egg. He is famous for the lavish parties he throws every Saturday night, but no one knows where he comes from, what he does, or how he made his fortune. As the novel progresses, Nick learns that Gatsby was born James Gatz on a farm in North Dakota; working for a millionaire made him dedicate his life to the achievement of wealth. When he met Daisy while training to be an officer in Louisville, he fell in love with her. Nick also learns that Gatsby made his fortune through criminal activity, as he was willing to do anything to gain the social position he thought necessary to win Daisy. Nick views Gatsby as a deeply flawed man, dishonest and vulgar, whose extraordinary optimism and power to transform his dreams into reality make him "great" nonetheless.

1) Last Night's Party. Rawkerz Las Vegas photo #5309: "Puny humanoid, you're such an ignorant past-dweller. In the future we all grow whiskers and dress like 8-year-old boys run amok on the Jersey Shore, even though the Jersey Shore has since been destroyed and we only can study it through antique Tourism Board brochures that we keep in the Global World Museum of Fabulous Fabulosity. Don't you see? Or do you need my special Enlightenment Goggles?