SuriWatch: The Miracle Baby At 20

Always eager to rise to the challenges of the incredibly competitive gossip rag marketplace, Us Weekly attempts to get a leg up on People by preparing for the very real possibility that our first look at Suri Cruise won't arrive for 20 years, hiring a forensic imaging specialist to visualize what the suspiciously unseen infant may look like two decades hence. Unsurprisingly, the magazine's "expert" subscribes to a more optimistic vision of the future than we do; in our estimation, the already 50-foot-tall baby will have matured to a full 200 feet by the time she exits her teens, and will live in a airport hangar-sized bunker that long-suffering father Tom has built beneath his compound. (She will, however, be just as hot as she appears in Us Weekly's mock-up, due to the quality of the DNA selected by Cruise's talented team of geneticists before their giantism-inducing mishap.)

In other Suri-spotting news, Jada Pinkett-Smith has now come forward to publicly disclose her experience with the Miracle Baby to People: "She's beautiful and they're very happy and they need to be left alone. She's the cutest little baby. She's got a head full of black, beautiful hair." We're a little disappointed that Pinkett-Smith's description adds nothing new to previous celebrity testimonials about the coloration of the infant's eyes and hair and ability to be physically held; perhaps the next famous person with a Suri story will provide a report on the relatively plumpness of the baby's limbs or a final count of her fingers and toes.