• Local billionaire Jeffrey Epstein is revealed to be a Nasty McPervypants, allegedy soliciting massages and peep shows from underage girls in Palm Beach.
• Meanwhile, daring to mention that Epstein isn't otherwise too different from Ron Burkle gets one the haughty wrath of Burkle's lawyers.
• Jared Paul Stern's book proposal is revealed; Mickey Spillane wants his voice back.
• A Jersey girl falls victim to Chelsea after hours.
• Local Fox 5 reporter Jodi Applegate goes batshit on live television, wherein we learn that she says things like, "Not cool, dude. Not cool."
&#8226 "Hot piece of twat" is consummated on a bed of 100% cotton.
• Bruce Wasserstein slowly fades away.
• We all unite against Court TV's shameless viral marketing. And by acknowledging said marketing even exists, we've let them win. Fuck.
• Con Ed finally admits there's a problem in Queens and, like, does something about it.
• Bravo premieres Tabloid Wars, and we promptly fall in love with deputy metro muffin Greg Gittrich.
• There is a woman named Melissa Berkelhammer, and she's more like Jonathan Cheban than anything we've seen in a long time.
• Lance Bass confirms that he's gay. As if a stint in N'Sync weren't indication enough.
• Teen People goes online-only. Teen People goes online-only. Teen People goes online-only.
• And finally, an old man sends a letter to Lindsay Lohan and calls her out on her bullshit dehydration, and we don't pay attention. Sorry to have failed you, but unless the message is texted to her Sidekick, she's not listening anyhow.

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