We're willing to bet that when news of Mel Gibson's DUI bust in Malibu early Friday became public later that day, the still-hungover actor probably had no idea that he would soon remember that initial report of his arrest as one of the happier, more carefree moments of his recent life. Since then, the simple story of "celebrity ingests too much alcohol, drives automobile too fast, and gets semi-embarrassing slap on the wrist from law enforcement officials of rich beach community" has become one of "celebrity ingests too much alcohol, drives automobile too fast, tries to run away from law enforcement officials attempting to give him semi-embarrassing slap on the wrist, is easily recaptured by law enforcement officials, threatens to commit act of sexual aggression against law enforcement officials, claims to own the rich beach community which employs law enforcement officials, promises to use vast financial resources to gain revenge upon law enforcement officials [Ed.note—Deep breath, here come the good parts], expresses belief that people of the Jewish faith are responsible for entirety of armed global conflict, tries to ascertain if law enforcement officials are members of the Jewish faith, notices presence of female law enforcement official, refers to female law enforcement official by epithet suggesting that her mammaries are made of sugar, pantomimes intention to urinate on floor of holding cell, and attempts to destroy malfunctioning phone when it fails to provide a dial tone for his legally mandated post-arrest call."
If by now you're wondering what the hell we're talking about, TMZ.com narrates the above events in more straightforward fashion:
As the two stood next to the hood of the patrol car, the deputy asked Gibson to get inside. Deputy Mee then walked over to the passenger door and opened it. The report says Gibson then said, "I'm not going to get in your car," and bolted to his car. The deputy quickly subdued Gibson, cuffed him and put him inside the patrol car. [...]
Once inside the car, a source directly connected with the case says Gibson began banging himself against the seat. The report says Gibson told the deputy, "You mother f****r. I'm going to f*** you." The report also says "Gibson almost continually [sic] threatened me saying he 'owns Malibu' and will spend all of his money to 'get even' with me."
The report says Gibson then launched into a barrage of anti-Semitic statements: "F*****g Jews... The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." Gibson then asked the deputy, "Are you a Jew?"
The deputy became alarmed as Gibson's tirade escalated, and called ahead for a sergeant to meet them when they arrived at the station. When they arrived, a sergeant began videotaping Gibson, who noticed the camera and then said, "What the f*** do you think you're doing?"
A law enforcement source says Gibson then noticed another female sergeant and yelled, "What do you think you're looking at, sugar tits?" [...]
After leaving the bathroom, Gibson then demanded to make a phone call. He was taken to a pay phone and, when he didn't get a dial tone, we're told Gibson threw the receiver against the phone. Deputy Mee then warned Gibson that if he damaged the phone he could be charged with felony vandalism. We're told Gibson was then asked, and refused, to sign the necessary paperwork and was thrown in a detox cell.
Of course, there's the small matter that the Malibu police might have initially covered up this fun little story to avoid precisely the uproar that is now unfolding over Gibson's interesting opinions on Jews and wars. And then the part about how Gibson was reportedly let go from two previous reckless driving stops without a citation, incidents whose more desirable outcomes presumably did not require anti-Semitic remarks or offers to punitively copulate with the officers who pulled him over.
To his credit, when faced with a public relations crisis that could only be worse if it had ended with Gibson lighting his car on fire and driving it into a synagogue, the actor did release a public statement of apology in which he blamed the nasty things he said and did on his alcoholism, not on the tiny Jews who order airstrikes on Beirut from their secret base inside his head.
See you in the morning, when Mel Gibson Monday, in which each person in Hollywood will be contacted individually by scores of media outlets to provide an opinion on how this incident might affect Gibson's career, kicks off in earnest.