Last week, we wrote a quick user's guide to Jeffrey Epstein, the Manhattan financier who is currently accused of bringing underage girls as young as 14 to his Palm Beach mansion, where he allegedly paid them $200 to give him "sex-tinged" massages and engage in showy, girl-on-girl action with his supposed assistant/sex slave. The item also mentioned fellow billionaire Ron Burkle who, like Epstein, is friends with Clinton, has a private jet, and does not object to attractive women under the age of 30. But mentioning Burkle in the same breath as Epstein only brought hellfire and brimstone via telecopier from Burkle's lawyer, who demanded both a retraction and a non-sarcastic apology. Since we don't really do the former and simply can't parse the latter, we'll instead outline the differences between Jeffrey Epstein and Ron Burkle. God forbid you ever mistake one for the other.

Shady Billionaire Rundown: Ron Burkle vs. Jeffrey Epstein
Jeffrey Epstein
Shady Billionaire Rundown: Ron Burkle vs. Jeffrey Epstein
Ron Burkle
Estimated WorthNot even on the Forbes 400$2.3 billion
Source of FortuneFinancier to the ultra-wealthy, he manages over $15 billion for clients; avoids 90% of taxes by "living" on private island in USVIWest Coast supermarket magnate; now does major dealmaking through holding company Yucaipa Properties
Dirty LaundryAllegedly solicited underage girls for massages, naughty touching and lesbian sex, paying $200/session; told one girl he bought a Ukrainian sex slaveTried to have his nasty divorce papers sealed; alleged extortion victim of former Page Sixer Jared Paul Stern; daughter suing him for Indian-giving; videotaped estranged wife having interracial sex
Media OwnershipTried to buy New York MagazineTried to buy the LA Times; failed bid for 12 Knight-Ridder papers
Company keptSocialite Ghislaine Maxwell; attractive, well-paid assistants; Alan DershowitzModels like Gisele Bundchen; not-hideous younger women have been reportedly photographed on his jet
Radar connectionHelped fund Radar 2.0 with fellow billionaire and Daily News publisher Mort ZuckermanRumored to be involved in funding Radar 3.0, courtesy of an introduction to EIC Maer Roshan via Epstein
JetA "sybaritic" Boeing 727Boeing 757, aka "Ron Air"
Takes Bill Clinton toAfricaAnywhere Bill damn well pleases