We know our limitations, and on a sweaty Monday night viewing of Tabloid Wars, we're going to be rendered useless (more so than usual) by our love for Daily News deputy metro meatstud Greg Gittrich (more on him later). We're not capable of much, then, other than drooling at the screen and fantasizing about life as Gittrich's "hard" news fluffer. In general, our lustful paralysis means that we simply cannot keep up with FishbowlNY's vigilant live-blogging of the show as it unfolds. So instead we present you with our liveblog of Fishbowl editor Dylan Stableford's Tabloid Wars liveblog. After the jump, soak up the meta.
9:01 PM EST: Dylan has just noticed that Lloyd Grove's then-fluffer Hud Morgan described his job as dealing with "lobotomized publicists." This is a seriously awesome way to open a liveblog!
9:04PM EST: There's a shooting; reporter Kerry Burke is set loose to cover the scene. Dylan feels really bad for Kerry and these tough assignments.
9:07PM EST: Hud Morgan shows off his skull and crossbones slippers; Dylan is totally going to blame this on Jared Paul Stern.
9:08PM EST: OMG! Morgan just told Lloyd Grove that Sheryl Crow is a "hot piece of ass." Dylan is dying.
9:12PM EST: Deputy metro manchunk Greg Gittrich refers to shot cop as a "gift from God" — Dylan can't belive Gittrich actually said this. How offensive!
9:19PM EST: Dylan really wants to talk about Tracy Connor, as she's in this episode quite a bit. Oooh — she used to work at the Post, just the angle Dylan was hoping for.
9:21PM EST: God, Dylan just can't stop thinking about that new Samuel L. Jackson movie. How about: "Snakes on a m*therf*cking Tabloid Wars." Yeah, that works. Right on, stream of consciousness.
9:24PM EST: Dylan cringes upon learning that Hud Morgan's Grandpa reads Gawker. Wonder if Dylan thinks Hud is gay.
9:29PM EST: This is big. Dylan just discovered the secret to tabloid media: cop shot equals cover.
9:32PM EST: Dylan just doesn't understand why Hud has to keep ragging on Tori Spelling. Donna was always Dylan's favorite.
9:33 EST: Seriously, Dylan really wants to know if Hud's gay. If he's not, why does he say things like "fetching?"
9:33 EST: Look! Adrian Grenier! Dylan has an Entourage season pass.
9:34 EST: Shirtless Hud Morgan makes Dylan uncomfortable.
9:34 EST: Dude, did you hear Hud say very little of the Post is actually true? Dylan would NEVER talk like that.
9:35 EST: Dylan would've gone to Hackensack with Hud Morgan.
9:35 EST: Hud Morgan loses "Queens virginity" — Dylan is disappointed that this isn't more graphic.
9:45PM EST: The wedding in a public pool reminds Dylan that he's not been swimming in so long!
9:47 EST: Dylan is softened by Hud Morgan's "realization" that gossip is stupid. He hears you, brah.
9:53PM EST: Gittrich wants to tell "the whole story" to "do right by this cop," but Dylan doesn't get what the fuss is about. He's secure in his masculinity, but Gittrich just doesn't do it for him.
9:58PM EST: Dylan is so not buying Morgan's "earnest and sentimental because it has to be" cancer crap. If Dylan were covering that story, he'd be gentle, tender — he'd give it soul.