'NYer' Softball Write-up Just Too Precious For Us To Ignore

One of the vows we took when coming aboard the good ship Gawker was to drastically reduce the coverage of media softball games: Frankly, we couldn't give a shit about a bunch of folks who all went to the same six schools tossing spherical objects around Central Park, and, really, we felt bad about taking material that should rightfully belong to Deadspin. This morning, however, we were forwarded Matt Dellinger's coverage of the recent New Yorker/Harper's outing, and, well, it's just so adorable that we have to share it with you. See, Matt wrote it up Harper's Index Style, which, if not necessarily comedy gold, is certainly comedy silver. After the jump, see what Conde Nast employees do instead of fixing up their website.

Softball Index

Number of runs scored by the Harper's softball team in a game against The New Yorker last week: 4
Number of runs scored by The New Yorker: 7
Games, in a row, won by the Small Fries: 6
Approximate temperature of Riverside park at game time, in degrees
Fahrenheit: 86
Number of steamy avenues and crooked stairs endured en route to the
game: 5, 45
Approximate volume of nearby salsa music, in decibels: 120
Approximate number of condescending comments about our "baby blue" shirts made by Harper's: 6
Average age, in years, of the mismatched t-shirts worn by our opponents: 7.4
Solo home runs hit by intern Robert "Memphis Slim" Snowden, in two at-bats: 2
Ratio of at bats to home runs for Snowden: 1:1
Percentage of at-bats in which Snowden hit a home run: 100
At-bats taken by "Slim" Tim Farrington: 2
Number of innings that ended abruptly with Farrington popping out to right field, of all places: 2
Number of strike-outs pitched by Mort "the Fort" Gerberg, in two innings: 2
Number of runs batted in by Lila "Bye-bye" Byock in her first season at-bat: 1
Approximate distance that a ball hit by Harper's editor Ben Metcalf traveled into left field, in feet: 120
Number of bases attempted by Metcalf on said hit: 3
Number of seconds by which the ball, thrown to Jonathan "boom boom" Shainin, beat Metcalf to third: .5
Number of screaming, jumping Harper's players who called their editor safe: 8
Number of Supreme Court Justices who would have called him out: 8
Number who are legally blind: 1 [ck?]
Number of runs ahead and beers consumed by myself when we let him keep the triple: 4, 2
Blocks we traveled by Subway to reach our usual post-game bar: 44
Other teams at Tap-a-Keg during the evening pizza hour: 3
Fraction of those teams who have faced The New Yorker this year: 2/3
Percentage of those who have defeated The New Yorker: 0
Odds that The New Yorker will defeat The Nation, according to Vegas bookies: 2:3
Minimum number of years since The New Yorker team has won seven straight games: 12
Minimum number of years I'll be talking about it, if we pull it off: 12

UPDATE: Not to be outdone on the web as they were on the field, Christian Lorentzen of Harper's chimes in with this dispatch. You see why we're trying to shy away from the softball coverage, kids? Anyway, here you go:

Harper's Magazine congratulates Harold Ross's comic book for adults, also known as The New Yorker, for its 7-4 victory over America's oldest monthly, extending its winning streak to six games. On the field the weekly displayed discipline, resolve, a sharp-shooting propensity for hitting line drives to right field, and classy new baby blue jerseys. Indeed, the Eustace Tillers' play was as dignified and polite as the prose that weekly emerges in its pages. Harper's ragtag squad, meanwhile, was not without flashes flamboyant—at times bordering on psychotic—brilliance. At the hot corner, third baseman Wyatt Mason displayed the same tenacity that earned his literary criticism a recent National Magazine Award. In deep left field, Annotators Captain Ben Austen and Ben "AK-47" Pauker effectively neutralized New Yorker slugger Josh Hersh's bombs. Offensively, the judges of Best American Sliding will no doubt take note of the surly, hobbling, Kirk Gibsonesque B.S. Metcalf's legging out a wallop to the gap in left for a disputed triple. The team's other tripler, publisher-cum-shortstop Rick MacArthur leant new credence to the player-manager model discredited decades back by Pete Rose. Harper's salutes New Yorker staff writer Mark Singer's valiant but failed slide into pitcher-VP Peter Kendall at home plate, and wishes him a quick recovery from the collision. And everyone in magazines knows the interns are our future, thus shoutouts to artful pitcher Katie Jentleson, Hillary "Swamp Thing" Elkins in right, and scoring Icelander Chantal Clarke. Finally, the Readings Section, this reporter included, intends to improve its fielding in future outings, lest it come to be known as The Balk of the Town.