New video tour reveals secrets of Yahoo cow cult

Yahoo's new corporate blog features a video tour of the cult's headquarters (the Branch Yahoodian Complex). Listen with the sound off; the following commentary will explain what's going on.

  • 0:22 — As "Yahoos" enter the complex, they bow to this purple calf in the foyer. The calf is occasionally blessed with holy milk by Brother Seth Godin.
  • 0:36 — The neophyte is practicing a Yahoo auditing process, in which thetans are kicked away from the body.
  • 0:41 — Don't take the blue pill DON'T TAKE THE BLUE— Damn.
  • 0:53 — Dude, that lady's jacked.
  • 1:17 — Level 1 Yahoos are not allowed to speak but must communicate by grunting and pointing.
  • 1:40 — It is a popular myth that Yahoo offices are named after Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavors. In fact, it's the other way around. No one knows why Yahoo named an office "Chunky Monkey."
  • 1:48 — Cult co-founders Jerry Yang and David Filo refuse to film any shot for more than one take. The last videographer who defied them was reported to the Chinese government.
  • 2:50 — They show you the blindfold. They don't show you the thumbcuffs.
  • 4:23 — Don't eat the food DON'T EAT THE— Damn.
  • 4:30 — Secret Yahoo handshake.
  • 4:40 — Seinfeld's Jason Alexander is a Level 5 cult member.
  • 5:50 — Why is the fitness room open 24 hours? Because Yahoo is training an army.
  • 6:18 — The outdoor fitness court was inspired by watching "Parts: The Clonus Horror."
  • 7:12 — In case the human army fails, Yahoo is training an emergency backup monkey army.
  • 7:17 — Also an army made of Shakira's unstable breasts.
  • 7:44 — The group yodel is another well-known auditing process. Yahoos under Level 4 may only whisper-yodel.
  • 8:20 — Thanks for visiting Yahoo! Come back Thursday for ritual sacrifice! I mean, Bingo Night!

Yet another self-serving corporate blog! [Yahoo Yodel Anecdotal]