Not angry sun nor blistering heat can hold down the dancing children of Blue States Lose. And so it's time for our weekly exercise in eye-bleeding, where we look at the silly hipsters on The Cobrasnake, Last Night’s Party, Misshapes, and Ambrel so you don't have to. After the jump, Joey Arak puts ice cubes on your nipples.
10) The Cobrasnake. Liquid Vanity photo #0680: These are the really sad ones. The dudes who are trying so hard, and who have all the basic components in place, but they just fall short of reaching "Class A" hipster status. Sure, they've got the facial hair and the haircuts and the accessories, but their faces are too warm and friendly, their physiques too healthy and nutritious. And if they really wanted itif they were really giving it their allyou know they would have cut off those fucking sleeves. Nice try, pals, but next time either bring 110% or just stay at home in the live/work artists' loft.
9) Last Night's Party. Ruffkids photo #1687: What is the BelDel version of "guitar face"? Oh, wait wait wait, we know what it is. It's "Oh my God oh my god I'm on my sixth [insert target-marketed givaway vodka here] and tonic and I'm having so much fun and this is my favorite Killers song and I'll see you on the dance floor!" face.
8) Misshapes. July 29, 2006 photo #066: Some ideas are so plainly obvious that you wonder how it took so long for them to finally be unleashed on the world. Things like Lysol Wipes, TMZ.com, the iPod vibrator andobviouslythe first Misshapes wolf's head. How has there never been a Furry element up until now? Congratulations, see-through-orange-wifebeater-girl, you just won the Special Olympics of fashion.
7) Misshapes. July 29, 2006 photo #127: On first glance, you would think this is the most bizarre mish-mash of random trinkets you've ever seen, but there's a very subtle theme at play here. Nothing is accidental. A black man wrapped in a terror-scarf, rocking a solitary German flag glove? It couldn't be more obvious. This look is called "Bubby's Nightmare."
6) Misshapes. July 29, 2006 photo #146: You know at the end of Wet Hot American Summer, when Michael Showalter transforms into the cool rebel guy that the pervy chef trained him to be in order to win the favor of what's-her-face? If the movie went on for another couple of hours, and that guy went on to be a freshman at the New School, this would be his satirical "Look at me! I'm a cool downtown New Yorker!" scene.
5) Last Night's Party. Barfing Beauties photo #0512: Here's a picture of a young hipster female, scantily clad and showing a sliver of her nipple, lying down on a bathroom floor next to a puddle of her own vomit.
4) Last Night's Party. Barfing Beauties photo #0537: Here's a picture of that same girl rubbing various body parts in that same puddle of vomit.
3) The Cobrasnake. Innocent Indecent photo #1693: This photo is the most important breakthrough we've had around here in months. When you're traveling in a different country, and you see something that's funny to you because things are done differently in the U.S., you take a picture standing next to it so that when you get home you can share a little culture clash laugh with all your buddies, right? That's the simple thing that's going on here, but for some unknown reason, she still feels compelled to pose like an aloof jackass. Why? Here's our theory. Maybe it's because that' the only way these people know how. Could all of these unintentionally hilarious hipster photo sites be the result of something as simple as a bad education? That the teachers and parents of future coolkids just never explained how to smile and say cheese, and that sends them on path to addiction and eating disorders? This isn't a trite expression of post-modern cool, it's a complete failing of our system of nurturing children. This picture, while it seems like comedy on first glance, is really a tragedy when you take a moment to think about it. Yup ... this is a real tragedy.
2) Misshapes. July 29, 2006 photo #072: Do you think that when he was talking to his mother on the phone right before going out (like all good boys do), and she cautiously reminded him to bring a sweater along (like all good moms do), he actually bothered explaining it? Or do you think he realized after two seconds that if he tried to put it into words, Verizon's switchboard would melt under the strain, so he just said something calmly reassuring like, "Don't worry, Ma, I've got it."
1) Last Night's Party. Ruffkids photo #1752: The kids demanded it, so here it is, another round of everybody's favorite long-running BSL game: Hipster or Homeless? We can honestly say this is the most difficult entrant ever. The whole greasy, unwashed-for-days look definitely lends itself to homelessness, but the unkempt craziness could just as easily be a hipster thing (especially when bangs are involved). The stray booze looks to be an imported beer (hipster?), but it could be unrelated and just in the vicinity (sitting amongst garbage?). And the outfit. Oh my, the outfit. Was it handmade in an FIT student's DIY fashion lab, or did she pull it from a garbage can behind the Staten Island mall? We have no clue how to judge this one, so let's just call it like we see it: Trick question! She's a crack whore.