Michael Jackson Claims Lawyers Of Unspecified Ethnicity Out To Get Him

As Michael Jackson continues to traverse the European countryside in his ongoing quest to find a chateau that can accomodate the amenities his growing family requires—Coca Cola-filled moats, child-safe play dungeons, what have you—his spokesperson in the U.S. has released a statement claiming the singer has discovered that a consort of his former attorneys conspired to put their client in the poor house:

The plot was discovered after someone leaked documents to Jackson showing that unnamed former lawyers for the 47-year-old singer tried to recruit others into a petition that would drag him unwillingly into bankruptcy court, his spokeswoman and manager Raymone Bain said.

"In what could be one of the biggest conspiracies in entertainment history, documents have been sent to Michael Jackson and his representatives which reveal a deliberate plan by some former attorneys as well as associates and advisers to force Mr. Jackson into involuntary bankruptcy," Bain said.

We imagine Ms. Bain rose to her current, influential position as Jackson's chief spokesperson and confidante as a direct result of being the only candidate who was capable of delivering a steady stream of her employer's insane missives without breaking up into hysterical fits of breath-inhibitive laughter. Still, it's difficult to say this early on whether Jackson is a legitimate fraud victim, or if he is just letting his paranoid, self-actuating fantasies get the better of him. Seeing as the statement comes from a man who was once recorded saying about his lawyers, "They suck. They're like leeches. I'm so tired of it. It is a conspiracy. The Jews do it on purpose," we can't help but wonder if the convenient timing may be a result of Jackson having caught wind of something that reignited his determination to unmask the greedy, horned Hebrews as the devils he always knew they were.