Our earlier look at the Post's attempt to paint of picture of Paul LoDuca-fucker Krista Guterman with mere prose got us to thinking: What does a girl have to do to merit a "beautiful" rating from the paper? What sets you as "sexy"? Where's the line between "sultry" and "sweet"? Well, we sat down and did a little research on some recent stories. The results are after the jump.

'Post' Likes Its Women Pretty And Horny. Or Dead.

Our quick calculations seem to indicate that there are a number of things that will get you labeled "pretty" or "perky," but you probably don't want to do them. As for "sexy," it seems to involve fucking Peter Cook, which is something you probably don't want to do either. Maybe best to stay out of the paper altogether. Or, you know, be a guy.

Earlier: Krista Guterman Sure Is a Hot Piece of...Something