Stop us if you've heard this one before: Andy Dick gets wasted at a public event, runs his tongue along the faces of anyone wandering within licking range, then finds a play-by-play of his antics in Page Six soon after. The Sixies report on the C-list exhibitionist's latest Hollywood party performance art at Sunday night's Comedy Central roast of William Shatner:
Backstage at the after-party, a drunken Dick groped an appalled [NY Post reporter Mandy] Stadtmiller, tried to kiss her, proclaimed his love for her and finally bit her hand.
"Baby please," Dick repeated six times. "Put in something nice," he said after urinating in front of the horrified journalist in his dressing room and offering her cocaine.
"They're so mean," he ranted. "I'm not weird. Maybe I'm a little weird, they make me out to be a monster, I'm not a monster . . . I just want to have fun, baby please."
Dick, who performed his roast routine dressed in full Trekkie regalia, said that he downed two vodka cranberries to give him the courage to talk to fellow roaster Fawcett - of whom he said, "I'm going to [bleep] the [bleep] out of. Put that in Page 6, 7 and 8, that's how big my [bleep] is."
Explaining to Stadtmiller why he urinated in front of her, Dick said, "You know why I don't close the door? Because then people think I'm doing drugs, and I want you to know I'm just normal."
And why did Dick go on his licking spree? "I was doing it because I was desperately trying to tie the show together like a fisherman with tuna, and you're a little piece of fresh tuna," Dick told Stadtmiller. "But thanks for asking. Do you want me to lick your face now?
No, Stadtmiller said - "but he can pay for that tetanus shot," she told us. Dick's camp had no comment.
At this point in Andy Dick's unparalleled career of intoxicated/narcotized/sexually crazed public shenanigans, it would probably take the comedian crashing the Oscars while on mescaline, slathering his entire body in chunky peanut butter, and stabbing Meryl Streep to death with platinum corn-on-the-cob holders (yes, it would be a very slow death from a thousand tiny puncture wounds) to truly shock us. Dick, however, seems unconcerned with elevating his craft to the next level, content to cover the same drunk, inappropriately urinating, face-licking ground. A truly tragic waste of a singular talent.