Blue States Lose: Cobrasnakes on a Plane of Unfathomable Retardation


It's a big day here at the BSL: former hipster-hater Joey Arak, having fallen deeply in love with One-Half Nelson, has left us to join his soulmate on an upstate lovefarm. Thus the conch shell is officially passed to Viacom slave Alex Blagg, in whose capable hands you will find solace from the horrors of our local nightlife. Make him feel at home, won't you? Rest assured, his ire is just as fiery as yours.

Same routine as always: we sort through the ridiculous photos on The Cobrasnake, Last Night’s Party, Misshapes, and Ambrel so you don't have to. After the jump, Alex dances like nobody's watching.

10. Misshapes. Homepage Party Flyer: As today is the release of the big serpentine airline movie the Internet is so in love with, the "Cobrasnakes on a Plane" pun was pretty inevitable. In fact, we'd have been disappointed if he hadn't arrived at this brilliant joke, if only because we wouldn't have enjoyed the pleasure of imagining the retarded glee he must have felt when he looked over to his little groupie and said, "Baby, I've got it! Cobrasnakes on a plane!" and her doe-eyed grin widened even further as she took a couple of minutes trying to get the joke before giving up, showering him with Sparks-flavored kisses, then sneaking off into the bathroom for another bump.

9. The Cobrasnake. Something on the Plane photo #8420: Hey, how did this promo still for Stolen Transmission's new band The Woohoo Awesome Sweet Yeah Holy Shits get in here, and where the fuck is Ultragrrrl?

8. Misshapes. August 5th, 2006 photo #007: This is a fucking genius idea. Someone finally got around to figuring out how convenient it would be to have someone who could sell you smack, then give you good tax advice on how to write it off on your 1040.

7. Last Night's Party. 18 Visions photo #7053: After they stopped serving booze, I bet a couple of bartenders were standing nearby watching this and one of them said, "You think we should tell them that no matter how hard they suck, alcoholic milk just isn't gonna come out?" and the other one, who's kind of a pervert, was just like, "Naaaah."

6. The Cobrasnake. Something on the Plane photo #8511: It's really too bad you guys don't get to see the back of this guy's hilarious shirt. It says, "..Like being a total dickwad business."

5. Misshapes. August 5th, 2006 photo #167: When you first see this, you're sort of confused, asking yourself, "What the hell is this old guy doing at Misshapes, and why is he holding up a Star Magazine?" But then you look over at Batty McSparklepants and you're just like, "Fuck it, life's too short."

4. Last Night's Party. Cupcakes & Zygo photo #1205: If I ever sell out and become one of those assholes who move to midtown then never venture further south than the meatpacking district, I'll probably put this picture of the Seven-headed Cerberus Guardians of Downtown on my fridge, as a constant reminder of exactly what kinds of horrors lurk deep within the bowels of the Lower East Side.

3. Last Night's Party. 18 Visions photo #7019: This crew is one tattooed hipster arm away from forming a giant Voltron-esque hipster space robot that uses scary eyeliner and Megadeath shirts to defend the Don Hill's universe from evil outside forces such as people in clothing that is not ironic, and sunlight.

2. Misshapes. August 5th, 2006 photo #142: I'd fuck Leotard Fantastik to see this douchekitten suddenly paralyzed, unable to move his hands or arms, then forced to walk all the way home to his $450/month studio in Bed-Stuy. Oh, I mean "South Williamsburg".

1. The Cobrasnake. Stereo Marquee photo #9018: I really do believe that every picture tells a story. And the story this picture tells is about a boy named Gary who - after a series of unfulfilling jobs in mime performance, African tribesmanship, crunk gangsta rap, and publishing - finally settled happily into the career he was destined for - professional tough guy.