We thought that after we'd posted a couple of clips of Andy Dick's on-camera, face-licking warm-up for his bravura, hand-biting, boob-fondling, openly urinating performance at the William Shatner roast after-party, we could finally put the whole filthy affair behind us. Today, however, Dick-victimized NY Post reporter Mandy Stadtmiller has posted a painstakingly transcribed account of the entire ordeal to supplement the excerpts she put up on her blog earlier in the week, revealing levels of chemically induced crazy previously only hinted at. Just when we try to get out, a cocaine-adjacent Dick grabs the hem of our trousers, starts humping our leg, and keeps pulling us back in:
Andy: They just went off on me, and I took it like a man, and then I went on stage and did my bit real funny and whatnot and then after that I had a couple, just two vodka cranberries and then that gave me the courage—that gave me—that gave me—that gave me the courage to talk to Farrah [Fawcett] and me and her have a date. On Tuesday. I'm going to fuck the shit out of her.
Dude #2: Put that in Page Six.
Dude #1: Put that in Page Six.
Andy: Put that in Pages 6, 7, and 8, you fucking bitch, that's how big my dick is. That's how big my dick is.
Mandy: Why did you ask me if I wanted to do blow?
Andy: I don't have any. You look like a fucking cokewhore. You look like a cokewhore. My friends have it. My friends have it. My friends have it. My friends have coke. I don't do it. I don't do it. You look like a cokewhore.
It's really difficult to achieve closure on this sordid chapter in Dick history without knowing how his date with Farrah Fawcett turned out. Let's just hope that his crass description of his romantic intentions was just the booze talking, and that Dick stopped far short of penetrating Fawcett to the point of incontinence.
[Photo: Getty Images]