Ashton Kutcher Head Over Heels In Love With Mother-Figure Bride Demi Moore

We're not sure what it is about Sunday newspaper insert PARADE magazine that gets big stars to share some of the most personal aspects of their lives—perhaps they feel the open-door policy of the Ask Marilyn column offers an emotional safe zone not available from more "prestigious" media outlets—but in this week's cover story, Ashton Kutcher gushes about his note-perfect marriage to Demi Moore, his unconditional adoration of his three stepsistersdaughters, and his tight, if slightly strained, rapport with their dad, Bruce Willis:

"Why go through [arguing]? Demi told me once, 'When you're right, that's all you get to be.' And for some reason, that made sense to me...We had one argument in the first three months of dating, and since then we haven't had any."

"In order for it all to work, I have to have a good relationship with Bruce. He's not 'the other guy.' He's not in competition. We have our own friendship. I'm not saying it's not hard, man."

"There is not a human being I could love more than [my stepdaughters] and their mom. If I had a daughter that was of my blood, I wouldn't love that child any more...I feel like I have three kids, and we'll see whether we're given another child."

It's touching that Kutcher has all but convinced himself that Willis' kids are his own, a conceit which implies the impressively hyperaccelerated physiological feat of having fathered his first child at the age of ten. Even more moving is the inner peace Willis—whose last vestiges of a mojo appear to have been devoured by a six-foot-tall, camera-hogging racoon—seems to have achieved with the current domestic arrangement, admirably resisting any triple-murder-suicide impulses every time

12-year-old Tallulah snaps at him that "Ashton always lets me pour bourbon on my Count Chocula, and besides, you're too old to be my daddy!"