Osama Bin Laden Will Be Whitney Houston's Baby Tonight

Drawing upon her many improbable adventures for her recent autobiography, Sudanese-American author and ex-Days of our Lives writer Kola Boof devotes a generous amount of words to the "sex-slave" relationship she had with Osama Bin Laden in the late '90s. Among the claims she makes about her terrorist lover, notes Page Six, is the fact that the most murderous, dangerous man on the planet also happens to harbor a gigantic crush on Whitney Houston:

Boof says bin Laden couldn't stop talking about his favorite singer and had lofty plans for her. "He said he wanted to give [her] a mansion that he owned in a suburb of Khartoum. He explained to me that to possess Whitney, he would be willing to break his color rule and make her one of his wives."

But bin Laden's murderous side also emerged in his fantasies about the pop superstar. "[He would say] how beautiful she is," Boof claims, "what a nice smile she has, how truly Islamic she is but is just brainwashed by American culture and by her husband - Bobby Brown, whom Osama talked about having killed, as if it were normal to have womens' husbands killed.

"In his briefcase, I would come across photographs of the Star [magazine], as well as copies of Playboy. It would soon come to the point where I was sick of hearing Whitney Houston's name," Boof writes.

Suddenly, Bin Laden's nefarious plan to contaminate America's cocaine supply with deadly poison is starting to make a lot more sense to us: It's the sour grapes gesture of a man so obsessed with a woman he knew he ultimately he could not have, he'd take every foolproof precaution to make sure she dropped dead from a fatal, crack-is-wack attack sooner than enviously observe her Satanic-American husband lovingly dig out another doodie bubble from her butt on Afghani DirecTV.