Paris Hilton Hacks, Lindsay Lohan Hacked

There was a time not too long ago when two overexposed starlets could settle their differences in a manner no more complicated than meeting in the VIP area of a crowded, overly trendy club, offering one another withering, body-tracing stares, and then, after a moment of calm in which one could almost hear uninhaled cocaine particles tumble from nearby tables and onto the floor, start beating the ever-living shit out of each other until yanked apart by their respective posses. Regrettably, we are now living in the days of nasty, Sidekick-deployed text messages, prank voicemails, and cloaked Caller IDs, a too-connected reality that leads celebutards to opt for cowardly technobullying over the visceral, problem-solving efficacy of an expertly yanked weave. According to TMZ.com, Paris Hilton recently had something called a SpoofCard canceled for allegedly trying to break into unauthorized voicemail boxes, and in an amazing coincidence, Lindsay Lohan was among the victims of box-hackers like Hilton and 50 other customers booted from the service for their shenanigans. Lohan's flack has passed the issue along to her lawyers, Hilton's rep couldn't be reached, and we're left wondering when the two rivals will rediscover the simple joys of girl-on-girl gladitorialism.