A Couple That Mutually Masturbates Together, Stays Together, Maybe

We know all you swinging sophisticates out there like to hit the bars, guzzle down a handful of martinis, and think about pushing that sexual envelope with your significant other. But you're smart, you know it's a dangerous world out there, and you want to be safe. I mean for godsakes even Gwyneth is an African with AIDS. Well fear not my promiscuous playmates, today's New York Times Style section provides the solution: the m nage laptop. Unfortunately, once digging in we couldn't help but be confused by the mixed messages from the various quotable couples. For example, Ms. Choi, a computer interface designer says:

"Honestly, if both of us are in there with the computer it's a good night. But if one of us wants to be left alone, we're in different places with our technology. If we want to be connected, then we both bring our technology into the bedroom."
Ok, sounds like they need to have the laptop present to get it on.

But then David Schnarch, the director of the Marriage and Family Health Center, acknowledges a reality that really warms our cold, dilapidated social-climbing souls:

"There are many people who want a partner close, but not too close. So snuggling up next to them with the computer is for many of us the ideal situation for a feeling of contact but an assurance there won't be eye-to-eye intimacy."

Ahhh yes, we so despise when our loved one dares to look us directly in the eye, as if to peer directly into our better-dealing hearts. No, we much prefer the back-of-your-head perspective, staunchly advocated by our canine best-friends. Of course towards the end of the piece, it sounds like man and dog may very well end up together, as Ms. Sholes, a medical equipment consultant points out:
"Sometimes in the winter, if I want to rest in the middle of the day, I'll bring my laptop and my phone and cuddle into bed. It feels very powerful."

What say ye now manly man? Your pitiful peter can't compete with the strong caress of an intel-powered notebook and vibrating "smart-phone. But at least, us men can take solace in the fact that the size of your technology apparently doesn't matter, as Candace Falk tells us:
"The big laptop thing in bed was a more obvious statement of having his mind elsewhere. This small object [treo] can be fondled under the covers."

The final takeway? Well, as couples are wont to do, they give us no clear message. Except, perhaps, that men should start looking into penis-flattening surgery, as they may be sticking their "firewire" into their own optical drive more often than anticipated.