Blue States Lose: Shock & Awfulness


What's worse than being stuck in your cubicle death chamber on a summery Friday? Looking at photos of hipsters, of course. Nevertheless, we persevere, sorting through the asstastic imagery found on The Cobrasnake, Last Night’s Party, Misshapes, and Ambrel so you don't have to. After the jump, Alex Blagg tries to get in Leigh Lezark's pants.


10. The Cobrasnake. Time For MisShapes photo #012: It's only my second week toiling at this dirty job, and The Cobrasnake is already launching a shock-and-awe campaign of ludicrousness that even the most battle-hardened hipster-hating veteran would be hard-pressed to withstand. I mean, what can I possibly say about this? It's a picture of a Wolf In Idiot's Clothing, along with his friends Tragic Post-Suburban Crack Whore and Guy Whose Only Goal Is Becoming the World's Greatest Alcoholoic. I'm starting to wonder if this is why Arak changed his phone number and disappeared as soon as I agreed to take over this job.

9. Misshapes. August 12th, 2006 photo #168: "Listen, the stuff in my purse is NOT cocaine. It's personality steroids."

8. The Cobrasnake. Time For Misshapes photo #0032: Somebody had better tell Little Green Retardedhood that there's a fucking wolf on the loose in the drunken forest of suck he's skipping through on his way back to grandmother's house, where he's lived since dropping out of art school in his 3rd semester.

7. Last Night's Party. August 12th, 2006 photo #2673: I bet people always see this guy out and go, "Is that one of the dudes from Jackass, or is he just a jackass?" Either way, it doesn't matter.

6. Last Night's Party. Greyhound photo #7696: Now the weary and disenfranchised souls who rely on bus travel as an affordable means of transportation and have spent the last 18 hours of their trip suffering the antics of "schizophrenic old boozehound who keeps making trouble with the driver" and "kid who somehow managed to cry his way across an entire time zone," are going to have to figure out a way to cope with the "drug-addled hipster girls naked in the onboard lavatory" portion of their journey.

5. The Cobrasnake. Time For Misshapes photo #9950: This is all Dave Coulier's fault. If it weren't for his wacky voices and loveable goofiness in the pilot episode of Full House, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen would never have become famous, and never had their senseless fashion sense mimicked by insecure NYU co-eds on their way to a rave party. Thanks a lot, Uncle Joey.

4. The Cobrasnake. Time For Misshapes photo #9893: Guess someone should have thought twice about dropping the remaining two hundred bucks from mom and dad's last "supporting your goals" check on an idiotic t-shirt that says "Paula Abdul."

3. Last Night's Party. Caravan photo #2678: Plastering this picture all over midwestern billboards with a tagline that reads, "Crystal. Clear?" would virtually eradicate this country's meth epidemic.

2. The Cobrasnake. Time For Misshapes photo #0350: I know Leotard Fantastik is all famous now (the best ones always are), but his new friend Mikhail Douchechev really needs to cool out a little bit.

1. The Cobrasnake. Frosted Snakes photo #0871: This is not just a photograph. This is a complex essay whose themes encompass everything that is hopelessly wrong with what society has become, thereby making a devastating statement about mankind's utter hopelessness. Who would have ever guessed that a photograph of some kind of two-headed hipster serpent in ridiculous clothing could be a condemnation of civilization that is infinitely more depressing - and homoerotic - than anything Sartre could have written on his very worst day. As you now have no choice but to spend the entirety of your weekends gazing at this soul-shattering picture while questioning the content of your entire existence, I encourage you to simply submit to the agony and give all of its many nuances the scrutiny they demand and deserve.