BREAKING: Jewish Professional Athlete Actually Jewish

We went to baseball camp one summer but we only made it through half of the first day. The morning was all sunshine and great American past-time, but after lunch they hosed down second base and wanted us to practice sliding. In mud! We were horrified, and we walked home crying. Note to kids: do not wear brand new Paper Denims to first day at baseball camp.

So, Shawn Green joining the Mets is stirring up a lot of emotions for us. We are excited to see one of our own who doesn't throw like a girl, and who doesn't break out in cold sweats when he sees the ball heading in his direction. Finally, a Hank Greenberg for our generation.

However, don't expect us to actually follow sports on television or know anything about it. Even just the excitement already clashes with our whole "self-deprecating, guilt-ridden, people of the book" thing. If we start actually paying attention we're going to have to get foreskin restoration surgery, a job outside of the media, and move to the suburbs. And, you know, fuck that.

A Power Hitter, and a Source of Jewish Pride [NYT]