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Much like every other publication in town, the Observer sent a reporter to last week's Video Music Awards, only to discover that the blingy fracas was less than — oh, what's the word? — halfway interesting. In fact, a major highlight comes not from a celebrity, but from a reporter:

The melancholia deepened when P. Diddy and his entourage rolled up around midnight. Mr. Diddy is both shorter and fatter than one would expect, and decked out in fedora and striped vest, he added several magnitudes of anomie to an already rather alienating night. He refused to pose for pictures. The press moaned.

"Diddy can do what he wants," said a reporter. "He's so rich, he has white slaves!"

Oh, sweet Jesus. Who said this? We have to know. It's someone from InTouch, right?

Is Beyonce Hillary Clinton? [NYO]