Sumner Redstone, The Crying Executioner

Lest you believe that octogenarian Viacom serial killer Sumner Redstone feels nothing each time he unsheathes his jewel-encrusted dagger and buries it hilt-deep between the shoulder blades of an unsuspecting victim, Redstone shares with THR the emotional torment that gripped him as lured his latest corporate quarry to his doom:

THR: Tell me about the events leading up to (Tuesday's) announcements. Redstone: I didn't sleep one minute last night, with everything going on and worrying about Tom Freston.

THR: What did you say to him?
Redstone: I was almost crying. I met with him at my house right after the board voted at about 5 p.m. Sunday night to do what they wanted to do. Tom was at my house at about 6 p.m., and it was not an easy discussion. Tom said he loved me and loved the company. I expressed my great affection for him and talked about how our friendship would prevail over what took place. He's a great guy.

After a devastated Redstone slowly withdrew his blade from his cherished colleague's back and wiped away a rivulet of tear-dust leaking from the corner of a reddening eye, he propped Freston's lifeless form in a nearby chair, poured them both a glass of his finest Scotch, and offered a moving toast to the future of their friendship, which could now continue unencumbered by messy business matters. So moved was Redstone by this touching moment that he couldn't even bring himself to watch as a pair of minions rolled up Freston in a beautiful Oriental rug and placed him in the trunk of the Bentley in which the "great guy" would be ceremonially immolated, nor would he participate in the marshmallow roast that traditonally accompanied an freshly slain executive's funeral pyre.