Whitney Houston Back On The Dating Scene

All you slavishly devoted husbands out there currently digging petrified doodie bubbles out of your crack-addled spouses' butts (and yet somehow managing to simultaneously read this post), we suggest you stop what you're doing and extract your probing digits immediately: No, not even that level of impaction-loosening servitude guarantees that your wife won't eventually leave you.

Singer Whitney Houston will file for divorce from husband Bobby Brown. Houston's rep Nancy Seltzer confirms to TMZ that Houston intends to divorce Brown, and that filing for a separation is just a "legal technicality" on the way to divorce. Seltzer did not divulge any further details concerning where or when the filings were made, and calls to Brown's lawyer were not returned.

Devout Houston worshipper Osama bin Laden will be over the moon when the happy news finally arrives via Al-Qaeda footsoldier, and we imagine it's only a matter of days before a videotaped pledge of his devotion surfaces on Al Jazeera TV, in which he'll beg his beloved Whitney to "throw off the shackles of the Satanic American oppressor and be my Queen, as our souls reach a state of ultimate transcendence under the approving gaze of Allah. And let's face it, the guy was totally dragging your career into the crapper."