Charlie Sheen Paid More Than Any Sitcom Actor To Not Make You Laugh

When happily divorced Charlie Sheen isn't hotly anticipating being on the receiving end of one of his basket-tossed, pigtailed companions, he's hard at work raising American morale with his weekly antics on Two And A Half Men. Realizing that his role of Charlie Harper is one of TV's great, iconic comic creations—forged in the grand tradition of Ralph Kramden or Archie Bunker, just without any discernible character traits, idiosyncracies, or gifts for physical comedy—the show's producers are finally compensating Sheen for his creative contribution by making him the highest paid sitcom actor on television:

After two months of negotiations, "Two and a Half Men" star Charlie Sheen is close to finalizing a new salary pact that would make him the highest-paid comedy star in television today.

Sources said Sheen will earn about $350,000 per episode this season from producer of the CBS powerhouse, Warner Bros. Television. This represents a hefty increase from his previous payday in the low six figures.

The salary doesn't come close the $1 million per episode the actor was reportedly asking for, but it's still a substantial pay raise that will allow Sheen to indulge in luxury goods and services he may have deprived himself of before; for example, hiring a personal skywriter to circle Denise Richards' home every day for a year, writing, "THIS MESSAGE PAID FOR BY MONEY YOU WILL NEVER GET YOUR GRUBBY CLAWS ON, YOU SAMBORA-SUCKING WHORE," in giant, block letters hundreds of feet above her driveway.