Rancid: The Ideal Meatpacking District

Over the course of our weeklong Meatpacking District cluster-klatch, we've outlined the problem, filled in the history, and outlined our case against quite a few of the worst local offenders. There's not much left of the old Meatpacking District, and what's left in its place today may not be that pretty to look at. Nevertheless, join us in contemplating the Meatpacking District that once was and could be again, merging our own hopes and dreams with demands sent in by readers. Fully annotated retro-futurist map after the jump.

Rancid: The Ideal Meatpacking District

1. Bertha's Bingo (formerly Stella McCartney) - High-end boutique now distributes bingo pads and giant highlighters to allow more protracted wasting of money.

2. Billy's Topless (formerly Del Posto) - Low-rent strip club returns, "but the banquettes must remain."

3. Gansevoort Market Lesbian, Gay, & Transsexual Center (formerly Hotel Gansevoort) - "The kids from Sylvia's Place and Covenant House can move right in."

4. Hamachi's Dog Park (formerly Morimoto) - Coursing packs of slobbering hounds proves better use of indoor space than cooking fish with acetylene torch.

5. Hogs & Heifers (formerly Hogs & Heifers) - Same name, but now caters exclusively to the rotund as a "fatties speakeasy."

6. J's Hangout (formerly Vento) - The return of the "last of the great tranny/cocaine/handjob dungeons."

7. Lure (formerly nothing, though near Apt.) - Classic sleazebar resurrected with "cheap beer, hairy men, and ... ahem ... urine."

8. Mackey Meat (formerly Sascha) - Old-school meatpacker returns as part of new ordnance requiring that meat must be actually be packed in this neighborhood at all times.

9. Nick Jones Memorial Pillory - Named for the Brit who brought Soho House to New York, this punitive device serves up public humiliation — with a view of the cobblestones — for anyone foolish enough to try a similar development.

10. Soho Housing Project (formerly Soho House) - Rooftop pool perfect for low-income families needing a break from the heat, or just a bathroom break.

11. Vending machine for nipple clamps - Convenient for those coming from/going to subway.

12. VFW Gansevoort Hall (formerly Alexander McQueen) - Designer clothier replaces by "dollar beers and 25-cent chasers."

13. Village Idiot (formerly Gin Lane) - Bring back the piss and vinegar, not to mention PBR and fried chicken. And the original juke, please.