For far too long, the government looked the other way as Malibu's most celebrated citizens squatted upon their 24-carat gilded commodes and flushed away their perfect, odorless bowel movements into potentially environmentally unsafe septic tanks, the toxic runoff from which may be tainting the glorious, placid ocean their beachside compounds overlook. Now, however, this unacceptably laissez faire attitude towards celebrity excretions is coming to an end, as environmental regulators will try and determine the source of local ocean pollution:
Under pressure from Southern California regulators, investigators over the next few months will begin testing sea water. If DNA shows the waste is human and not from, say, raccoons or coyote, they will follow the trail up creeks that traverse neighborhoods in Malibu, where clean-water advocates such as Pierce Brosnan and Ted Danson live.
Where the tests show a concentration of human waste, inspectors will sleuth out the source. Though they will not request DNA samples from residents to match waste with its human source, they may ask a judge for authority to inspect tanks of property owners who bar them from taking samples.
While Malibu residents will be spared the humiliation of DNA testing to finger guilty polluters, the investigative process obviously won't be without its uncomfortable moments. Things are sure to be palpably tense the first time inspectors in bright orange hazmat suits march up from the surf and towards Carbon Beach robber-baron David Geffen's back door while brandishing a biohazard bag full of diamond-encrusted feces, then rather humorlessly demand to inspect the mogul's septic system based on "overwhelming circumstantial evidence."