Stalk of the Town: Apocalypse Now

The time: 1 p.m.
The date: October 4, 2006.
The place: Sant Ambroeus, 259 W. 4th Street.
Sighted: "Guess the sobriety isn't working out so well for Christian Slater, as he is currently downing some red wine at Sant Ambroeus. At an outside table as well. Sunglasses and black outfit not hiding the wine."

The key to being a celebrity is being cool. Some celebrities ride Vespas with their foreign adopted orphans. Others appear on the not at all embarrassing Dancing with the Stars. Believe it or not, Christian Slater was once cool. He made cool movies, like Heathers and Pump Up the Volume. Then, when his movies started to blow, he did cool things like getting jailed for DUIs and bringing guns on planes. But as the coolness of the last name "Slater" faded with the early 1990s, so did his snooze-alert tales of alcohol and drug induced rages. Christian, painfully aware of his spiral into lameness, was powerless to stop it.

There were warning signs of the apocalypse. In the early dawn of May 31, 2005, he seized the deflated buttocks of a 52-year-old woman. He was drunk, of course, but with alcohol always comes undeniable truth: Jews are indeed warmongers, and even menopausal women rebuff Christian Slater's advances.

Sadly, the butt incident and his role as Jet Fusion in The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius were merely the bounces on Christian's fall to the D-list. On March 31, 2006, Christian took his new significant other, the wildly insignificant Jasmine Lennard, to the London premiere of his performance in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. The couple was all smiles at the event, but little did Christian know that Jasmine was hiding a (literally) hideous secret. Apparently while Jasmine was patrolling London town with Christian, she was also having an affair with American Idol judge Simon Cowell. Reports reveal that Jasmine and Simon's affair started in February. You do the math.

A man who counts Winona Ryder, Christy Turlington, and Christina Applegate among his previous sexings, Christian knew things were officially over when butt-chinned bagel face stole his British reality-show girlfriend. Since auditioning for Idol was out, there was nothing left for Christian to do but be a man, throw in the sobriety towel, and start drinking at 1 p.m. Stay the course, Christian Slater. Phoenixes rise from ashes.

Gawker Stalker