Uncle Screech Wants You! To Pre-Order His Scatalicious Sex Tape

"Sultan of Sleaze" David Hans Schmidt appeared on Howard Stern's radio show this morning to plug Dustin Diamond's own entry into an already crowded field of celebrity sex tapes featuring furry, squeaky-voiced children's television stars. Apparently, Diamond's previous boasts to Stern about his megalithic manhood were not exaggerated:

David went on to say the tape featured two women with Dustin, who he noted had "a telephone pole" between his legs. David also said the scene ended with Dustin performing a "Dirty Sanchez" on one of his costars, although it was more the smell of the "moustache" than being able to see it that made the act so disturbing.

When Howard played tape, he commented that he couldn't believe the size of Dustin's penis in its flaccid state, while Robin referred to it as "a tree."

The movie, apparently retitled Screeched after Saved By The Smell tested poorly in the all-important "0 - 120-year-old humans with an active gag reflex" demographic, is now available for pre-order on electronic smut purveyor extraordinaire ClubRedLight.com, where a truly terrifying banner ad taunts us with a close up of Diamond's wiggling index finger moments before it embarks upon an erotic spelunking expedition. (It's a modified Sanchez, due to the relatively high difficulty level of trying to fashion convincing poo-whiskers with a telephone-pole-sized paintbrush.)