Yesterday, pursuant to a blind item on the Apiary, we asked for your guesses as to what comedian had been "BANNED from performing on one of NYC's premiere stages" due to his proclivity for "ramrodding peanut butter up his pooper and for graphically demonstrating how to diddle a baby." Your responses after the jump.
First, let's get the obvious one out of the way: Andy Dick. That's just lazy, people. No matter his legendarily debauched nature, he's only one man. If he actually did even a tenth of what he's accused of, Dick would have disintegrated into a flash of bisexual brimstone long ago. Plus, shoving peanut butter up his ass is probably something Dick would prefer to enjoy at home, or at least in a VIP room.
Hilariously amusingly sarcastic throwaway guesses included Sinbad, John Mayer, Rita Rudner, Pee-Wee Herman, Andrew Krucoff, Rosie O'Donnell, Cory Kennedy, Jackie Mason, Joe Piscopo, Ross Bergman, Karen Finley, Paul Wolfowitz, Joy Behar, Louie Anderson, Robin Williams, Paula Poundstone, Bill Cosby, Larry David, and Rick Shapiro.
Other suggestions: Carrot Top is no more likely than any of those, but shoving peanut butter up your ass is, technically, a form of prop comedy. Bob Saget gets the nod a couple times due to his infamous "fuck my infant daughter" joke in The Aristocrats. And though the peanut butter and baby sex sound like the setup for a Jonathan Ames routine, they don't sound like acts he'd actually perform onstage.
One commenter suggested a personage who goes by the name of "Ant," though we have a hard time believing anyone who's a VH1 regular would be into this sort of material, no matter how "flamboyant and irreverant [sic]."
The most credible tipster — and we're most inclined to believe it since the tip was passed on with palpable fear and horror — points a trembly finger at one Jim Norton. He doesn't appear to be a very happy person, and though there's no available confirmation of either incident mentioned in the original blind item, anal PB and babysexing do not seem beyond his personal pale.