Stalk of the Town: David Blaine's New Workout Plan

The time: 12 p.m.
The date: October 21st
The place: Bubby's, 120 Hudson Street
Sighted: Saw David Blaine at Bubby's Saturday around noon, making some pancakes disappear. Looked a little bloated.

Bubby's is a classic Tribeca eatery that harkens back to an earlier time. A time when men were men, and magicians were magicians. A time when real magic involved sexy assistants, changing one's last name to "Copperfield" to conceal Jewish heritage, and successfully tricking a supermodel such as Claudia Schiffer into dating oneself, notwithstanding the fact that one is 100% gay and bears a striking resemblance to Prince.

Sadly, the era of rabbits and endless silk scarves has given way to the era of David Blaine, a magician so beyond worthless card tricks that he must resort to standing on a pole for 35 hours and swimming in a fish tank at Lincoln Center. While Copperfield is out there doing real magic, like impregnating women on stage "naturally without sex" and finding the fountain of youth, David Blaine is doing highly magical things like sitting in a box for 44 days without food. If that qualifies as magic, someone get those Auschwitz survivors a primetime special! Hayo!

As Blaine's annoying stunts are obviously not magic, one wonders about the real motivation behind his feats. Sure, the stunts bring him fame, and fame allows him to hump babes including Fiona Apple, Madonna, and Josie Maran, but there is another, more sinister reason behind his seemingly pointless exploits. Pancake-eating fatso Blaine steps into a box or a fish tank, consumes only vitamin water and nearly dies, but loses weight. That's right - Blaine's stunts are actually weight loss plans. And no self-respecting celebrity loses weight without publishing a book about it. Expect Abracadabra: No Longer a Fatass in bookstores near you.

So, why was Blaine feasting at Bubby's? Probably carbo-loading for his next weight loss stunt - hanging from the Brooklyn Bridge by a rope. No word yet on whether the rope will be around his neck.