Friday Afternoon Sex-Tape Fun: Blurry Scenes From A Possibly Nonexistent Car

A crucial, if not always enthusiastically embraced, part of our jobs is reading the occasional, anonymously proffered e-mail (in this case, one actually from "Joe Anon") titled NEW SEXTAPE and following the provided links to a hastily designed Tripod site, where we must then grudgingly evaluate the self-published claims of surreptitiously obtained footage of a famous person engaged in a sex act that they'd rather not be seen by the public. Normally, we might have dismissed the story told on Scenes from a Car as an outright hoax, but in a world where former Saved by the Bell stars can pretend they have nothing to do with the release of amateur pornography involving their fecal besmirching of some tragically underpaid accomplices, all things are possible in the sex tape game. And so even though it might bear an uncomfortable similarity to a cherished, apocryphal (we assume) story about a still-mic'd Sylvester Stallone getting oral favors in his trailer, we still pass along these nameless entrepreneurs' claim to have proof of what receiving fellatio from a "seven-figure-per-film" actress sounds like, for your investigative/debunking/Friday-afternoon-jollies-obtaining pleasure:

Long hours on a set. People get tired, people make mistakes, and sometimes starlets give blow jobs in cars without realizing their mic is still on.

Until, we get some legal advice, we won't reveal who it is yet, but she is a regular in US Weekly, high seven figure salary per film.

It all started when I was walking near the sound tent and my buddy waived me over, smiling and chuckling to himself. He handed me a pair of headphones and informed me that "____"'s mic was still on and that she and her assistant were talking trash about some people they had had a run-in with at a Las Vegas club recently. I am still amazed how crude women can be when there are no men around. Then a p.a. comes in and tells them 75min until the next setup. "___" then says she is going to the bathroom. I thought it would be a funny wrap party blooper, so I told him to record it. This was at three in the morning (about fourteen hours into a sixteen hour day), so we were giggling like kids and thought this was hilarious. As she was doing her business, her phone rings. There is no talking so I'm guessing it was a text. Skip ahead...she is walking and makes a call asking "Where are you". Skip ahead...she gets into a vehicle and shares some sweet talk with a guy. I thought she had a boyfriend, but I don't recognize this guy's voice. She asks him how he got his seat back and he informs her that the controls are on the side of the seat. There is some rustling, then the vehicle door opens. It is at this moment that I see the interior light of the vehicle across the way. She reclines the seat and gets back in. Skip ahead...there is some more sweet talk, then some more rustling, then they start kissing and so forth. THEN, for twelve minutes and forty seven seconds, she gives him the sexiest blow job I have ever heard capped off by the words "Yeah, cum". Then we spotted our boss approaching and the recording abruptly stops there. The image is from a camera phone when she was reclining the seat. This is as enhanced as we could get it. You can tell it's her when she is standing by the door. The light stays on for a few seconds after she closes the door, then the image goes pretty dark, then the camera memory runs out. But the audio is digital and perfect (49:03) — and there is no mistaking her voice. Demand will dictate how we proceed, because my friend and I will most certainly be fired and/or worse when/if the who, when and where is released. For those who are interested, you will not be disappointed. A DVD would include the short video clip, but would basically be audio only. If there is interest, please send an e-mail to the address below.

Should you have any interest in helping these fine crew members move their possibly fictional product, there's contact info on their site.

Guesses as to the identity of the star, of course, are welcomed in the comments section or through e-mail, as are admonishments for wasting your time with an obvious scam.