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Wherein we invite our readers to drag the shiny, clean blind item razor blade offered by humpy E! gossip-cutter Ted Casablanca along an unscarred section of their fleshy forearms, the only self-destructive act that makes them feel truly alive anymore. This week, Ted ambitiously juggles three hopelessly concealed subjects, supplementing his obsessive coverage of Toothy Tile's half-out-of-the-closet antics with those of two secretly homosexualized co-stars. Dip your toes in Three Envelope-Dangling Blind Vices:

Ted sez: "But really, the more intriguing of our on-the-edge homo report this week involves Matinee Mooner, who's about as discreet with his homosexuality as Star Jones Reynolds is with her temper. Yet in between screwing his latest male conquest in myriad semipublic locales (takes after Toothy, this one), Mr. Mooner took time out to plug his almost heady career, stopping over for a little couch chat with Oprah, and seduced her so in the process. Not on camera (or behind), mind you, M2 just sorta got his pearlie jobs all sparkling fer the talented broad, and it was no secret Ms. O. was rather smitten." Read the item.

You say: Send your guesses to tips[AT] with "blind" in the subject line, and we'll post the results later today.