Stalk of the Town: Martha Stewart's Final Countdown

The date: November, 2006, 7 p.m.

The place: 10 Columbus Circle, Time Warner Center.

Sighted: "Martha Stewart, in front of the Time Warner Center. She got into the Range Rover, instructed her assistant to meet her at the Today Show in the morning, then her SUV drove off. She actually told the assistant to 'have a good evening.'"

Things are looking up for Martha Stewart these days. The stock price of Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, Inc, has gone up, she is in complete creative control of her company, and NBC canned her horrible Apprentice show. But for a woman famous for her tantrums and for terrorizing chopped salad, clearly her business success cannot explain her euphoric bid of "have a good evening" to her pipsqueak assistant. Indeed, this repulsive, infectious glee can only be explained by one thing: sexification.

That's right, Martha Stewart has a boyfriend — tech nerd billionaire Charles Simonyi. The two, who have been dating for some time, have many things in common: they both enjoy cleaning houses, they both have giant bags of money, and at ages 65 and 58, respectively, they both enjoy a fulfilling geriatric sex life. Don't believe that Martha is doing very bad things? Geriatrics generally remain sexually active until their 80s, despite loss of lubrication and other gross things. However, in her unauthorized biography Just Desserts, Martha is quoted as saying "I can will an orgasm whenever I want." Sounds like someone is spritzing her crotch with Evian.

Though Charles may not be as jacked as his doppelganger Mikhail Baryshnikov, he is a vast improvement over some of Martha's ex-boyfriends. After having her legs pinned back with suspenders got old, she dumped Larry King and started dating Sam Waksal, the disgraced CEO of ImClone. But in true Something's Gotta Give style, Sam dumped old bag Martha for her supple vivacious daughter Alexis. Hey, if you can't keep it in your pants, keep it in the family. Hey-o!

Sadly, like Romeo and Juliet, Martha and Charles are star-crossed lovers. Though the two have managed to maintain a long distance relationship — he lives in Seattle, she in New York — the distance is about to get exponentially greater. In March of 2007, Charles will blast off into space as the world's fifth space tourist. So much for rocket man ... the bitch is back.

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