Blue States Lose: This Shit Is Bananas


As what may be the final week of good weather this year comes to a close, our thoughts turn to those who know no fear of winter, for they recoil from the sun's light. Yeah, we mean the hipsters who pop up like douchebag prairie dogs on the pages of The Cobrasnake, Last Night’s Party, Misshapes, and Ambrel.

After the jump, Alex Blagg eyerapes the most despised segment of our culture.

10. The Cobrasnake. Fresh Water photo #2797: It's really nice to see when the ladies get out there and take feminsm into their own hands.

9. Ambrel. High Voltage Opening Night photo #2875: This guy makes Truman Capote look like Charles Bronson.

8. Last Night's Party. Hipster "Vows" Section: I don't know what's more depressing: the fact that this douchekitten met his future wife on the bathroom floor at Happy Ending, or that they could be procreating as we speak.

7. The Cobrasnake. Paper Radical photo #0759: Hey dollface, did you forget to take a gander at the guy to whom you've entrusted your appearance? By the time he's finished, you're going to look like a heroin-addicted elf princess with Down Syndrome. Or worse.

6. The Cobrasnake. 2 Live Lobsters photo #2244: Hardy Har Har Attention Starved. People are still paying mind to this assclown?

5. Misshapes. November 4th, 2006 photo #019: This is the kind of unpretentious charm that makes me love Kid's Meal. He might be a the crown prince of the hiptards, but he isn't afraid to throw up the same "shocker" hand signal as your garden-variety striped-shirt frat-guy packing some Meat on a Friday Night.

4. The Cobrasnake. Cooking Class photo #3629: Support our troops. (Except for this guy. What a fucking twatwaffle.)

3. The Cobrasnake. Fresh Water photo #3133: Wake the fuck up, Steve Aoki. Do you have any idea how many hibachi shrimp your daddy had to catch in his front pocket for that cash?

2. Last Night's Party. Idiotic transcription of 'Sunday Brunch': Fuck "My Dinner With Andre" - somebody absolutely MUST film the next amazing "Adderall, Marc Jacobs Jeans, DJ's, Blackbook, and Britney & Kevin" conversation between "Bronques", "Charlie King", "Vegas" and "{Famous Rockstar}" as they pick over eggs benny during one of their super-creative-and-interesting East Village Sunday Brunches. I wonder if the restaurant charged them extra for having to clean up the vomit of all the patrons sitting within earshot.

1. The Cobrasnake. Paper Radical photo #0779: Otho from "Beetlejuice", who I always thought was gay, apparently has a son, who most definitely is. Who knew?