The time: 8 p.m.
The date: November 21, 2006.
The place: 111 E. 18th Street.
Sighted: "Rachael Ray sitting outside of the big new fancy Japonais restaurant with a couple of friends. She actually looked normal and calm, unlike her dangerously hyper self. I heard her say 'Yeah, well, I mean, that's cool.' She was wearing a turtleneck."
In New York City, cool takes many forms. Obese twins on scooters? Cool. Wearing Indian dream-catcher earrings, leggings, pirate boots and cashmere tunics? Again, cool. Paying someone to seductively launch mucus cannonballs at your face with a turkey baster? How good is that!?
If a man's stomach is indeed the way to his heart, Rachael Ray's recipes must be garbage, because last week, the National Enquirer revealed that Rachael's husband of one year, John Cusimano, had been having a five year "affair" with the gorgeous Jeannine Walz, whom he met outside a lesbian bar. And, as is typical of affairs these days, John would pay Jeannine to do perfectly legitimate things such as spit on him and rub her feet in his face. That's right — while Rachael was in the kitchen for 30 minutes pouring chicken stock on pizza, old Jimbo was spending his time seasoning feet with saliva.
So, why would John bother marrying Rachael in 2005 if he'd already been cheating for years? Well, Rachael Ray has saddlebags — saddlebags full of money that is. And John knew that people with money need to be surrounded by two things: lawyers and lead singers of crappy bands. And John, formerly of 1-800-MARGARITA LAW, and lead singer of the smash hit band The Cringe, fit the bill perfectly. Tricked by Rachael's photoshopped FHM spread, John signed on as husband and lawyer to run her empire and subsidize his sensual phlegm kink.
Unfortunately, like the price of mental health, the price of spitting hookers is not what it used to be, and Jimbo's nasty habit - twice a month, at $500 a pop — is rapidly depleting Rachael's funds. According to the Enquirer, Rachael is so destitute that she failed to repay a $1,000 loan from a college friend 20 years ago. And things have not quite worked out for The Cringe, which despite its can't-lose name, remains crappy.
While Rachael and John call Jeannine's allegations "laughable," it seems pretty clear that Rachael should get a head start preparing vats of You Won't Be Single For Long Vodka Sauce with a new secret ingredient — loogies.