Viacom Unveils Sumner Redstone 2.0


Today's NY Times reports that geriatric Viacom suzerain Sumner Redstone has finally resigned himself to the reality that his octogenarian body can no longer weather the stresses of his highly demanding job, ordering his beleaguered Midway Games division to devote all of its research and development resources towards the hasty completion of the long-planned robotic-ninja exoskeleton that will allow the cybernetics-enhanced executive to continue his day-to-day duties indefinitely. While the Times obtained this mock-up of the prototype, details of its capabilities are still a closely guarded secret, though it's widely rumored throughout the company that the new chassis will allow Redstone to effortlessly rip the spine from the profit-hogging action stars and corporate lieutenants who displease him, a grisly termination ritual that will ensure that their careers end in a lifeless, invertebrate heap on the floor of his office, not in the employ of a hated competitor.

[Illustration: James Best/NYT]