Help Put Val Kilmer's Kids Through College With Your Condiment Purchases

Former matinee idol turned gracefully aging crackpot Val Kilmer has patterned a plan for a small organic food business after Paul Newman's hugely successful line of Newman's Own specialty foods. But unlike the "over $200 million" from sales of salad dressings and marinara sauce donated by the blue-eyed screen legend to various causes over the years, Kilmer would have a reporter believe that he plans on funneling every cent of his own profits to his pet charity: himself.

"My idea for the label is to have someone do a prosthetic job on me as Paul Newman, but instead of the drawing, it would be a photograph," he says. [...]

ValZone would also appropriate Newman's practice of specifying exactly where the proceeds from the sale of each product go—except in Kilmer's case, the revenue would be earmarked not for charities but to support his lavish lifestyle. "It will all be 100 percent organic, 100 percent profit," he says. "Here's why: I like my GTO convertible. And if you've got a vintage car, you've got upkeep. I have two gorgeous children. My son's school costs more per year than my four years at Juilliard, plus rent and airfare back and forth."

It would seem a waste of time and resources for Kilmer to subject himself to a lengthy latex and spirit gum makeup application session just to approximate the timeworn and quintessential Newman of the logo. After all, the label illustration already bears a striking resemblance to a widely circulated photo of the beer bellied actor strolling on a beach in a cowboy hat (pictured), an iconic and all-American image that would be right at home wrapped around the bottleneck of the high-calorie blue cheese dressing goldmine that will eventually bankroll plane tickets to graduations and custom chrome refurbishing.