Unsolicited: What Color Is Your Xanax? More Flavors of Author Crazy

Here at Unsolicited, we're all about the gross generalizations. Stereotypes are fun! (And, you know, usually pretty much true). Besides, no one reads this column anymore. Doesn't matter what I write. Blah, blah, blah. Editors are dumb! Authors are lazy drunks! Anywho, for the two people (hi guys) who care, here are some character assassinations of authors based on book genre:

  • Literary Fiction (male author): Pretentious assholes, n'duh.
  • Literary Fiction (female author—debut): She thinks it's really cool how you like her book. I mean, she wasn't sure if anyone would get it. But you really do. Right? You're sure it's okay?
  • Chick-Lit: Type 1: Her favorite author is Bridget Jones. Oh! She totally means Helen Fielding. (giggle)
    Type 2: Please don't assume I'm like all the other chick lit writers. I'm just doing this for the money. I went to an Ivy League school, you know. I'm smarter than this.
    Both: A predilection towards Mr. Darcy types leads her to date incredibly assholey and inappropriate men.
  • Pet Humor: "Hello there! I am a total crazy. I have an inappropriate attachment to Mocha (tabby cat) and Sir Elton (pug). They are my best (only) friends! I've dressed them up every Halloween since 1998. Look, I brought pictures!"
  • Children's Picture Book: Kindergarten teacher from hell. Total neurotic who keeps a smile on her face even as she is verbally eviscerating you for, like, forgetting her middle initial in the catalogue.
  • Business: Old dudes with stentorian phone-manner and a need for lots of agendas and clearly dated to-do lists, which somehow never prevent them from missing every deadline while riding you about everything you've ever promised them. Will suck you dry with their constant "what's next?"-ness.
  • Self-Help (lifestyle): Invariably, he is totally afflicted by whatever personality disorder he is writing about. And make no mistake: he will make your life a living hell. People who think they can tell you how to live your life better are inevitably the scariest, most fucked-in-the-head, self-absorbed assholes in the world. He will leave an angry, curse-filled message on your voicemail at least once—which you will laughingly play on speaker for all your colleagues.
  • Self-Help (dating): She has never recovered from being dumped by her college sweetheart and has replaced her need for human love with a compulsion for relentless self-promotion. She has a steel ball of rage where her heart should be.
  • Memoir: Duh again — Narcissist. Starved for attention. Compulsive liar!
  • Celeb-memoir: Celebrities are crazy bitches, but mostly their ghostwriters are nice.

    Earlier:
    Unsolicited: Why We Can't Be Friends