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Here at Unsolicited, we're all about the gross generalizations. Stereotypes are fun! (And, you know, usually pretty much true). Besides, no one reads this column anymore. Doesn't matter what I write. Blah, blah, blah. Editors are dumb! Authors are lazy drunks! Anywho, for the two people (hi guys) who care, here are some character assassinations of authors based on book genre:

  • Literary Fiction (male author): Pretentious assholes, n'duh.
  • Literary Fiction (female author—debut): She thinks it's really cool how you like her book. I mean, she wasn't sure if anyone would get it. But you really do. Right? You're sure it's okay?
  • Chick-Lit: Type 1: Her favorite author is Bridget Jones. Oh! She totally means Helen Fielding. (giggle)
    Type 2: Please don't assume I'm like all the other chick lit writers. I'm just doing this for the money. I went to an Ivy League school, you know. I'm smarter than this.
    Both: A predilection towards Mr. Darcy types leads her to date incredibly assholey and inappropriate men.
  • Pet Humor: "Hello there! I am a total crazy. I have an inappropriate attachment to Mocha (tabby cat) and Sir Elton (pug). They are my best (only) friends! I've dressed them up every Halloween since 1998. Look, I brought pictures!"
  • Children's Picture Book: Kindergarten teacher from hell. Total neurotic who keeps a smile on her face even as she is verbally eviscerating you for, like, forgetting her middle initial in the catalogue.
  • Business: Old dudes with stentorian phone-manner and a need for lots of agendas and clearly dated to-do lists, which somehow never prevent them from missing every deadline while riding you about everything you've ever promised them. Will suck you dry with their constant "what's next?"-ness.
  • Self-Help (lifestyle): Invariably, he is totally afflicted by whatever personality disorder he is writing about. And make no mistake: he will make your life a living hell. People who think they can tell you how to live your life better are inevitably the scariest, most fucked-in-the-head, self-absorbed assholes in the world. He will leave an angry, curse-filled message on your voicemail at least once—which you will laughingly play on speaker for all your colleagues.
  • Self-Help (dating): She has never recovered from being dumped by her college sweetheart and has replaced her need for human love with a compulsion for relentless self-promotion. She has a steel ball of rage where her heart should be.
  • Memoir: Duh again — Narcissist. Starved for attention. Compulsive liar!
  • Celeb-memoir: Celebrities are crazy bitches, but mostly their ghostwriters are nice.

    Earlier: Unsolicited: Why We Can't Be Friends