Lindsay Lohan's Fully Adequite Blackberry Manifesto

Lindsay Lohan's managed to stay out of Page Six for nearly an entire week (we imagine their office is so crowded with fruit baskets and bottles of high-end booze from publicist Leslie Sloane Zelnick that staffers can hardly move), but the troubled actress/non-sober AA spectator makes a triumphant return in today's edition, with excerpts from an e-mail in which Lohan calls out for high-powered help (Al Gore, the Clintons) in shifting the media's attention from her own, tabloid-attracting misadventures to unspecified "real issues." (Which we imagine would not include things she may have shouted at a former assistant at an open-bar event, unless they were somehow misdirected, angry expressions of her vague frustration with poverty in Africa.). Following so closely on the heels of Lohan's liberally circulated, tragically misunderstood eulogy for Robert Altman, Zelnick might have to take more proactive preventative measures to stop her suddenly prolific client from issuing future, image-damaging missives like this Fully Adequite Blackberry Manifesto without her supervision; at this point, simply confiscating Lohan's mobile communication devices probably won't get the job done, so a more drastic solution, like completely incapacitating the starlet's troublemaking, tiny-keyboard-tapping thumbs (whether by injected muscle paralyzers or a series of "accidents" with slamming car doors) is probably necessary. On to the e-mail:

Subject: The way of the future-Howard Hughes once said.

I am willing to release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite letter to the press if any of you are willing to help.

Simply to state my oppinions on how our society should be educated on for the better of our country. Our people.

Also because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see.

People are just mean.

The full text of the e-mail follows after the jump:

Subject: The way of the future-Howard Hughes once said.

I am willing to release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite letter to the press if any of you are willing to help.

Simply to state my oppinions on how our society should be educated on for the better of our country. Our people.

Also because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see.

People are just mean.

I am going to proceed with putting LR to court if need be for what she's done to me. Its my life. I want to live it. People cannot lie and think that it is okay to continue on having done so. Simply because they will do it again to someone else, and that is not alright with me. I have had many ups and downs, as do we all.

But to make false accusations to one girl is unjust in my oppinion.

Having said this, I am willing to do anything I need to get my life the way it should be and the way I work for it to be.. And have thus far in my career.

Let's sue the tabloids for saying the things they say.

Defamation of character. Amongst other illegal accusations, I will repeat this over and over to make my point.

I am not fully aware of what these, again, accusations are, but I am fully and eagerly prepared to learn them.

Have harvey and all lawyers help me please. If he is willing.

Al Gore will help me he came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me. If he is willing to help me, let's find out.

Hilary Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan metroplis, and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask.

If we just ASK.

I'd really like to fix things and refuse to stop on any account for these unintelligent, vulgar people who like to hurt other people. Not just me, but everyone.

I'm willing to hold a press conference and I will do anything necessary to do so. In putting an end to 'these people' trying to put an end to me and belittle me as well as try to be the demise of me after all I've gone through and done at such a young and tender age in a womans life.

Its enough already, I've had enough and I am going to be the one to make a change.

For all of my fellow actors, friends, people I admire and for those I've lost in the recent days, years, months.

I do believe the focus in the world has misplaced and directed in the wrong directions and I am willing to be the one to help change that and use my celebrity status to move the focalpoint /(s) of the press to the real issues that we have going on as we speak.

Anyone that is willing to help and has a family member or friend, even co-worker that is in a position to be involved in any way, shape or form, please contact me, Jenni Muro, Leslie Sloane, Michael Heller, Jason Sloane, Jason Weinberg as soon as you can or are willing.

Just ask them, it doesn't hurt to ask.

So let's start now, rather than waste time. Do you agree? Because I'm doing it either way. The way of the future.

Thank you for your time.
Your Entertainer,
Lindsay Lohan

Sent wirelessly via BlackBerry from T-Mobile.