The time: 10 p.m.
The date: December 2, 2006.
The place: West 59th Street.
Sighted: "Maury Povich walking along West 59th Street. He was in a peacoat and glasses and Connie Chung was following a few people behind him, looking rather chilly."
In recent days, an arctic chill has set upon New York City, but no place in Manhattan is colder than Connie Chung and Maury Povich's marital bed. As Connie paces the couple's apartment in the Dakota, she wonders aloud how everything fell apart. Why was Weekends with Connie & Maury cancelled? Why aren't 1980s powersuits back in style? And who the hell is that whore Kaity Tong?
Yet Connie wasn't always a washed-up hag gyrating on a piano. In an era when Geraldo and Donohue polluted the airwaves with ridiculous topics such as the appalling conditions in New York City mental hospitals and living with Alzheimer's, Maury Povich covered real issues, such as midgets and UFOs. Enamored of his viper looks and his hard-hitting journalism on A Current Affair, Connie dumped loser Warren Beatty and launched a one-woman campaign to win Maury, converting to Judaism and ultimately marrying him in 1984.
However, Connie knew that Maury's expos s on grandmothers who dress too sexy was catnip to cheap floozies like Greta van Sustern and Maureen O'Boyle. Thus, despite getting her own talk show, Face to Face with Connie Chung, Connie was understandably worried about Maury's beady roving eye. She put her professional career on hold to go Crotch to Crotch with Maury Povich in order to sex Maury on a full-time basis and hopefully conceive a Povichlet.
Sadly, like Barbara Walters and Rosie O'Donnell, 59-year-old Connie was stricken with the mysterious infertility endemic to all broadcasting divas. And as the tumbleweeds blew through Connie's abandoned uterus, Maury began to mock her openly on the Maury Show with a constant parade of paternity tests and 125-pound babies. But while he pestered albino Nazis to reveal their secrets, Maury was himself harboring two bombshells — not only were his plans to morph into Mike Wallace nearly complete, but he had also been having an affair with Donna Ingber, Maury producer and mother of twins. Indeed, a highly credible sexual harassment suit filed by a Maury staffer whose job it was to tape guests' breasts together complains that Maury and Donna's tawdry affair contributed to Maury's culture of harassment, booze, and porn, and other things that most people can only dream about. Surprisingly, instead of sending the Maury staff to boot camp, the staffer is seeking $100 million in damages.
So on that brisk Saturday evening, Connie's frosty demeanor was trumped only by Maury's cold sweat. For on the next explosive Maury, Connie Chung administers the most shocking paternity test yet: "Who is the Father of Donna Ingber's Twins?"