This is Mike. Right now, Mike is standing in Union Square holding up a sign that says "I Want A Girlfriend." We sent our intrepid man-on-the-street reporter, Bennett Madison, to find out what qualifies Mike for romance, and we got some answers. Ladies, you might want to bum-rush Union Square right now: not only will Mike buy you more gum if you drop yours in a puddle, but he has not seen Britney's privates on the internet!
What's your occupation?
I don't have a job.
Ok. Would you like one?
I hate working, man.
What if you had to have one?
I guess I'd like to be around people.
Why do you want a girlfriend?
It would be nice to go to the movies or eat. Instead of doing everything with my bonehead friends. I want something softer.
What was your inspiration for this?
Everyone's on Myspace, Facebook, whatever. They all post pictures of themselves that are deceitful. This way, you get to meet me in person, talk to me, find out what I'm actually like. This is as real as it gets.
Do you worry, with your cardboard sign, that people might think you are a hobo?
I worried about that a little bit, but you can see me—how I'm dressed. I'm on my cell phone. I'm eating. You can tell I'm not homeless. Everyone has a cardboard sign in New York.
Do you have a favorite hobo?
Frank. He's always on West Broadway and Murray. I love that guy. Sometimes after class we'd go eat hotdogs together.
Are you a performance artist, by any chance? Is this an art project?
Well, I used to do standup.
What are you looking for in a lady?
I love all women. Black women, Asian women, white women... European women?
Are you asking what turns me on?
The one thing I really love is a nice, full, round ass. So I gravitate toward Latinos.
Have you seen the photos of Britney Spears' privates?
I haven't. But I heard it was not a pretty sight. I've heard it's unsightly.
You heard right. Are you concerned about the Straight Women's Undie Crisis?
What do you mean?
Women not wearing pants in public.
Well, they wear pants...
I mean nothing on the bottom at all!
They usually wear something.
Not Britney I don't think! I am pretty sure she was just wearing a shirt and shoes.
I guess I haven't given it much thought. But I'll tell you what I do love. I love it when a girl wears sweatpants with high boots, like up to here (gestures to his mid calves), and a short skirt. That really gets my blood boiling! Oh, and since I like to look at girls' asses, I love it when a girls jeans are so tight that you can see the pantyline through the jeans.
Yes! Me too. What about feather boas? Would you say that a woman with a feather boa is attractive?
I guess. I'm not really sure.
I think they're hotttt. Would you consider yourself sensitive?
Yes. One time, I was in Spain. In Barcelona. I was sitting in a park, by myself, and there were little schoolgirls walking around.
There was like this kinda chubby little schoolgirl. No one was talking to her. She seemed lonely. And then she dropped her gum in a puddle of water. And I just started crying. I mean bawling. I don't know what it was. Maybe there was something else going on there. But I went to the store and bought her some more gum.
That's very sensitive! So have you gotten a lot of interest?
Yeah. Mostly from artists and writers... performers.
Uh... how many girls?
Three or four. And a lot of older women who said they'd send their granddaughters. Also there was professor from Wagner, in Staten Island, who took all my contact info, and said she'd send her students.
If you don't meet any girls, would you consider a GAY?
I'm pretty confident in my heterosexuality. I did consider working in a gay bar, though. And I'm very comfortable with the gay community.
What if he had a really nice apartment?
Still probably not.
(As the reporter was leaving a kind of pretty black lady came up. She seemed interested.
Lady: You're looking for a girlfriend?
Lady: That's cute.
Mike: Wanna buy me lunch?
Lady: That's why you want a girlfriend? To buy you lunch?
Mike: No... I mean... can I have your email?
Lady: I'm in a relationship.)