Kirstie Alley Enraged That Tom Cruise Didn't First Consider Her For Alien Bride Role In Fictional 'Thetan' Movie

We continue our morning tour of crazy British gossip picked up by media outlets desperate for copy during the holiday slowdown, we pass along this Australian Daily Telegraph item about fledgling studio mogul Tom Cruise's supposed efforts to harness English tabloid-cipher Victoria Beckham's acting talent for a prospective film project sure to surpass the staggering box office grosses racked up by Battlefield Earth:

Britain's Daily Star newspaper reports that the wife of football star David Beckham has apparently been lined up to play the alien bride in The Thetan - based on the religion, which believes in alien life forms. The Daily Star reported that Victoria - who Cruise has described as a "comic genius" - is said to be "thrilled" about getting her big Hollywood break.

A source told the Daily Star: "Victoria is really hoping to make a go of it in Hollywood.

"This could be the perfect start for her, with good pal Tom Cruise in charge."

If you weren't already made skeptical about the story's veracity by the description of Beckham as a "comic genius," The Scoop has already solicited a denial about the project's existence. But even the most credulous of gossip consumers should have recognized that the Church would have demanded that Cruise cast one of the many fine actresses who've dedicated years of service (and untold auditing fees) to their organization over a non-tithing outsider. They can't afford to have loyal footsoldiers like Jenna Elfman feel like they're wasting their best earning screaming accusations of baby-rape at suppressive individuals by not having their efforts rewarded with glamorous career-wins.