As we mentioned yesterday, the whole 'Trump threatens to fire, then pardons Miss USA' story is basically the definition of week-before-Xmas filler, but we don't mind stooping to cover it. And neither, thank god, does Andrea Peyser. The Post's resident moral authority is always at her best when a young, attractive, "fire-breathing slut" needs to be run out of town, and boozy Tara inspired what we think is some of her finest work ever:

Miss USA vowed that - from this day forward - she'll keep her nose clean.
And her urine sweet.
And - to employ my current favorite euphemism - her cooch untouched by human hands.
"I have an open heart!" Tara burbled, as she stood before hundreds of the nation's finest media minds, and even more camera-toting tourists, in the glittering Trump Tower atrium.
Unfortunately, her heart is not the organ in need of closing.
But who am I to judge? Oh, right.

Exactly: who is Andrea Peyser except the supreme judge? We can only hope that when they time comes for her to scrutinize our open bukiluki, we won't be found lacking.

Weepy Floozy's A Conner Artist [NYP]

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