The time: 9 a.m.
The date: December 15th
The pace: Madison Avenue at East 58th Street
Sighted: Ivanka Trump walking north on Madison, confidently battling traffic and crowds in precariously high heels, full makeup and power suit.
Long, long ago, before wearing Nazi boots over leggings was considered acceptable, Ivanka Trump attended a horrible summer language study program in Nice, France along with a pack of other spoiled Manhattan private school jerks. At this program there so happened to be a pool where Ivanka and her band of Dalton merrymakers lounged about clad in trappings of the leisure class, such as gold chain-mail bikinis and blue suede slip-on Hush-Puppy shoes. And not that anybody was watching or even cared for that matter, but Ivanka would often remove her ruby encrusted pool cover-up to take a dip. "She may be slightly better looking than me," a girl in a ratty Speedo and clear braces perhaps thought to herself, "but one day I will get a nose job, and she will always be completely flat."
But fate was to deliver a crushing blow, for Ivanka, not content with her giant size AA bosom - again, not that anyone was looking - took her mini boobs into a surgeon's hands and emerged with giant funbags. The evidence is incontrovertible. Before. After. The prosecution rests.
Sadly, Ivanka appears to be suffering from the same rebellious right boob affliction that affects many celebrities who get fake ginormous honkers. Ivanka's right breast is escaping into her shoulder. Vivica A. Fox's dented right boob is imploding. Beyonce's implant is chopping itself in half. And Paula Abdul's milk wagon is melting.
Notwithstanding her nose job, chin implant and duck lip collagen, Ivanka is indeed a natural beauty. Why would she tamper with nature and get two pound puppies bolted to her chest? As a self-made woman who earned her position as vice president of the Trump Organization through the sweat of her brow sheer merit, perhaps she got the twins in order to advance her career. Or maybe she bought them as part of break-up makeover after her split with long-time boyfriend Bingo Gubelmann, producer of the HBO tearjerker documentary Born Rich and bone fide fatso.
Whichever the case, walk tall, Ivanka. Battle those rush hour crowds with your rock hard gazongas. Somewhere, some girl with a nose job and ratty Speedo knows for a FACT that the recent bounce in your step is really just the new bounce in your shirt.