Sex Tips from Felicity Huffman

Actress Felicity Huffman, who you'll recall from her role on Desper — wait, does anyone actually watch that show or was the whole thing some weird conspiracy to fill our Us Weekly with pictures of middle-aged ladies we don't care about for a year? Yeah, thought so — anyway, Felicity Huffman, who you'll recall from her eerily convincing turn in that transsexual movie, is many things to many people. She's a star of stage and screen, one half of the Hollywood power couple Stephen Colbert has dubbed Filliam H. Muffman, and — unbeknownst to you until right now — she's also a relationship expert. Or so her soon to be published book, A Practical Handbook For The Boyfriend, would seem to indicate.

Being the filty-minded perverts that we are, we bypassed the chapters about dating, gift-giving, and other blah blah — and skipped straight to the chapter entitled 'Sex.' "Here it is — the chapter most of you probably turned to first," the book said. Whoa, it's like Felicity Huffman knows us. But does she know what turns us on?

Every woman has a secret hot spot. They may seem odd or secondary, but find the right spot on the right girl in the right moment, and it will pay a huge dividend. Some of our faves include the inside of the forearm, the small of the back, the back of the knee, the feet — top and bottom — the ass . . . [note: ellipsis hers!] cheeks are great and, well, use your discretion. As you're exploring, keep an eye out for goose bumps. They usually indicate that you're doing something right. What else? Oh, baby . . . underarms, especially if they've just been shaved. Run your fingers lightly over her skin. The lighter the touch, the more delicious.

We don't know about you, but we are thinking of William H. Macy in a WHOLE NEW LIGHT, and boy, do we wish we could stop.