Ghetto Pass: New Year's Resolutions

The Assimilated Negro is the issuing authority for your own personal Ghetto Pass, helping you safely navigate among the people and places of browner territories.

As we approach year's end, the usual glut of lists and stories on resolutions for 2007 can leave your bandwidth so clogged you can't help but actually follow through on that "view 25% 20% less porn" dictum from last year. Of course the ghetto is no stranger to New Year's (though in CP time zones it's occasionally celebrated later), or resolutions, so this week we review the curriculum thus far and point out some fundamental areas where your Ghetto Pass can help you to improve yourself in the new year.

Resolution: Saving Money
Ghetto Pass Helper: Corner Bodegas
Real Talk: The too-hot-for-TV truth is that just about everything in your local Boondocks is a boon to your wallet and savings account, but the Corner Bodega may be the most representative example. Americans are so brand-conscious in everything we do, but is there really any cachet in groceries? Co-Bos allow you to prioritize properly. Sure, you may hear snickering when you buy generic brand antidiarrheal medication with your Lil Debbie snack-cake and dusty Spaghetti-O's, but would you rather spend more on premium brand Ex-Lax, Twinkies and fancybrand Italian someplace downtown? And after a while you won't even be able to hear the snarky laughtrack because you'll be busy listening to your new MP3 player that you could afford because you shopped only at your Co-Bo for three months. Plus, you not only help your finances, you help your conscience by contributing to the local economy, which nine out of ten hipsters say is a good thing.

Resolution: Eat Healthier
Ghetto Pass Helper: The Ghetto Chinese Spot
Real Talk: Hmmm, maybe this one isn't as blatantly obvious, but what the GCS lacks in nutrients and menu items without fat grams as the first ingredient, they make up for in volume. The chicken-wings-and-pork-fried-rice may not be as slimming as that trendy tofu-on-wheat-germ sandwich, but there's so much of it, you'll be able to stretch it out all week; by Friday, you'll come out even. Throw in the strenuous foreign-language workout of haggling with the owner, and you'll be looking like a soon-dead anorexic model in no time.

Resolution: More Exercise
Ghetto Pass Helper: Livery "Gypsy" Cabs
Real Talk: Gypsy Cabs are a great option for those looking to get in shape. You need only adopt one resolution: If I have to take a cab, I will only take a livery cab, or walk. No canaries. For Manhattanites, the island's not really that big, so if you think about it, walking wherever you need to go shouldn't be a problem. Combine that with the GCS diet plan, and you'll be partying with those soon-dead anorexic models and calling Paris Hilton "stupid AND FAT" in no time.

Resolution: Finding Love
Ghetto Pass Helper: Ghetto Pickup Artists
Real Talk: I hearken back to the words of somewhat ghetto songstress Tina Turner in saying, what's love got to do with it? A partner is only as good as the shots of self-esteem they serve when you're a little down because you haven't started drinking yet. Don't let these online matchmakers sell you up the river on a false dream; there's absolutely no need to subscribe to a Dating Cash Cow when you can go to your hood and get that love-milk for free. When those Ghetto Pickup Artistes, those citified cupids, those troubadours of urban romance start filling the skies with songs of booty-ballyhoo for your beautiful boobs, luscious lips, and jaw-dropping badonkadonk; well, that's when you'll know "Love" ain't nothing but a four-letter word. GPA's are true romantics, they should write Hallmark-Holla cards.

Resolution: Improving Business
Ghetto Pass Helper: The Long Booty-Tail
Real Talk: The best businessmen know all about "optimization," and who epitomizes this capitalist catchword more than The Long Booty of street entrepreneurs? When you lost one of your slippers, you probably thought the other one was useless, but a walk along the Long Booty reveals you could have sold it for $1, then taken that dollar to the Co-Bo and treated yourself to a nice big cup of coffee (with free milk and sugar!). Now that's what any intelligent businessman would recognize as Synergy.

Resolution: Changing the World
Ghetto Pass Helper: You, Caucasians
Real Talk: Dreams of changing the world require a certain smug sense of entitlement. Don't know what I'm talking about? Well, talk to any Caucasian living in the ghetto and you'll soon know what I mean.

(actually, we couldn't find any Caucasians to talk to on short notice, and wouldn't want to send you into the new year on such a negative note. Any help in finding Caucasian related resolutions to pass along???)

Otherwise, good luck in finding money, health, love and ultimately a better you in 2007, from our ghetto to yours.

Earlier: Ghetto Pass Person of the Year: You, Caucasians