Stalk of the Town: The Passion of the Baldwin

The time: 12 a.m.

The date: December 20, 2006.

The place: Starbucks, W. 60th and Broadway.

Sighted: "Saw Stephen Baldwin at Starbucks at around midnight last night. He sat with a few people (including his wife) talking about his book and God in general. REALLY loves God. Kept saying the Lord was in the room, and preaching to his small group."

If the Devil is everywhere, then Starbucks is His global headquarters. From the usurious prices to the wall murals filled with Masonic pyramids and haunting subconscious "Starbucks" references, Starbucks is indeed a den of sin — sinfully delicious beverages that is. Luckily, a messiah has come to cleanse the temple, expel the freelance Pharisees listening to iPods, and reclaim the coffeehouse for God. That messiah, friends, is Stephen Baldwin.

Though Stephen may call himself and his new conversion memoir an "unusual suspect," it is not at all surprising that God would choose Stephen as His messenger. Much like Christ, Stephen met his wife on a subway, turned to drugs following his crushing success as Barney Rubble in The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, and was converted to evangelical Christianity by his housekeeper. Furthermore, given that Gary Busey and Jeff Conaway are His other prophets, God shrewdly tends to pick C-list celebrities with drug problems in order to inspire confidence in the public and eliminate credibility problems. He then tends to cast them in reality shows such as Celebrity Mole Hawaii, Celebrity Fit Club, and I'm with Busey.

But unlike the other false celebrity prophets, Stephen's finger is firmly on the pulse of pop culture. While Tom Cruise pimps Xenu and his platoon of Thetans, foolishly riding the Cocoon wave 20 years too late, Stephen's cutting-edge faith speaks to the current and under no circumstances 1990s "eXtreme" trend. Geared toward people who drink Fierce Gatorade and eat Nacho Cheesier Doritos, Stephen's Breakthrough ministry speaks, nay, rocks to the moto-xing, bungee-jumping youth of today. As part of his 2007 sports arena "Uprising Core Tour," Stephen will preach the humble message of Christ using laser light shows, Jumbo-Trons, and other technology from the future.

Shockingly, tickets to the Uprising tour are not selling as well as expected, and apparently Stephen has downgraded from stadiums to Starbucks. But despite the minor setback from to fame to Frappucinos, this soldier of God won't rest until he's spread the gospel, or at least appeared on The Surreal Life.

Gawker Stalker

Earlier: Sylvester Stallone Basks in the Glow of Your Love