The Assimilated Negro is the issuing authority for your own personal Ghetto Pass, helping you safely navigate among the people and places of browner territories.
Well the New Year is upon us, and mmmmm, it tastes like chicken. At the Ghetto Chicken Spot, you won't find a Colonel (not even a sergeant), 11 herbs nor spices (only 1 herb: marijuana, and 3 spices: salt, pepper, hot sauce), or any talk of secret recipes (with chicken, sharing is caring). What you will find are chickens dressed tastefully, from the leg to the breast, in crispy brown blazers of juicy (or incredibly dry) goodness. It's not KFC, but it's cheaper, and still
coochie finger-licking good.
Are We There Yet - Unless you can't smell, hear, or see, it's impossible to not know when you have arrived at the Ghetto Chicken Spot. If the sweet scent of fried poultry doesn't clue you in, certainly listening to the unrelenting barking of orders should. And if you're still lost, perhaps you should look around, since every square inch of the walls is covered with signs, posters, and graffiti informing you of what's on the menu and the current specials (anything, plus french fries and free soda). Indubitably a product of their impulse-purchasing demographic, Ghetto Chicken Spots have mastered the fine art of what some might call Wallpaper Menu Marketing.
Feed Thine Enemies Biscuits - While most won't notice the difference between the chicken from major chains and the Ghetto Chicken Spot, you definitely will notice the depressingly low grade of biscuits. Ghetto Chicken Spot biscuits are turned down by everyone including starving artists, refugees, and stray dogs. No one knows what they're made of for sure, but remember when you used to take little pieces of white bread and roll it into little balls? Think that, but biscuit size, and with less flavor.
Golden Love Nuggets - Chicken nuggets from the Ghetto Chicken Spot are typically better than nuggets from any fast food joint. Seriously, no punchline here; they're delicious.
Jessica Alba, Jessica Lange - Everyone has their own taste, but needless to say there's a big difference between biting into a hot-out-the-oven juicy nubile chicken breast or getting stuck with an old desperate haggard wing that's obviously been sitting under the heat lamp for years and knows this may be its last opportunity to be tasted before getting tossed in the trash. So be sure to ask the owner if the chicks are fresh. If only dating were so easy, and club bouncers were so forthcoming.
• Did you know Ghetto Chicken Spot legislation dictates that all future Ghetto Chicken Spots have a name that starts with a K (i.e. Kennedy, Kansas, King), or is the name of a state in the continental U.S.?
Ghetto Terror Alert - The Ghetto Chicken Spot is an incredibly hostile environment. The bulletproof glass is extra-thick for a reason, as those more melanin-endowed do not play games when it comes to chicken that is both cheap and delicious. Engage in any tomfoolery at your own peril.
Slang Check - Don't be confused if someone says, "I'm gonna go holler at these chickenheads at the chicken spot." You needn't drop your jaw in amazement at the voodoo imagery of someone yelling at decapitated chickens and their severed heads. It's probably just a hungry GPA.
Earlier: New Year's Resolutions