Hollywood Break-Up Shocker! Cusack And Piven Calling It Quits

It is with great sadness that we note the end of one of the great on-screen/offscreen Hollywood love affairs of our time, that between aging, 1980s teenage-panty-moisturizer John Cusack and longtime partner Jeremy Piven. According to an upcoming interview in Disgruntled Former Sidekick Quarterly Best Life magazine, Piven apparently believes that his Entourage Emmy win and recent attachment to the Untitled Man vs. Nature Project has caused the tumor of professional jealousy on his lifelong friend's heart to finally metastasize. Remarks Piven on the pair's eroding relationship:

"No comment. I mean, you could fill in the blank, I bet," the 41-year-old actor says when asked how Cusack has handled Piven's recent success. [...]

"... I was always proud of him, and I was always in his corner," Piven says of the 40-year-old Cusack. "Always." [...]

"It just says so much about a person if he has space for other people's success," he says.

"I have always been so proud of my friends' success. I own that proudly because I come by it naturally. I was raised on that spirit of collaboration. ... You start getting into trouble in life when you start comparing and contrasting your life to anyone else's. You don't win when you do that."

A personal rift this profound may require us to double up on clich s to propose a method for repairing the damage to a once-beautiful association: Cusack must immediately find his way to Piven's bedroom window with his iconic, Say Anything boombox and rouse his friend from sleep with the blaring strains of Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes," a gesture that will almost certainly exorcise the ugly, green-eyed demon of Hollywood envy from both men's souls and provoke a moved Piven—no longer a second banana to his more-famous pal—to rush into his yard, where the two will engage in a healing, teary-eyed hugging-out-of-bitches.