Stalk of the Town: I Can't Believe It's Not Fabio

The time: 9 p.m.
The date: January 8, 20067.
The place: Ono at the Hotel Gansevoort, 18 9th Avenue.
Sighted: "Fabio was at Ono with two other older gentlemen. Three classless Fabio-struck women began hovering around his table. The ladies wanted him to sign their boobs and they were really annoying. He was very pleasant about the whole thing."

It is a law of nature that when celebrities become too famous or too successful, people set out to destroy them. Take, for example, John Travolta. Following his successful early career, John's advisors vindictively urged him to do Look Who's Talking Too, and then spread vicious rumors that his sham marriage to Kelly Preston was a Scientology-arranged cover for his homosexuality and dogged him with malicious lies about his "absurd" and "patently obvious" toupee. Thus, it comes as no surprise that such destructive envy would also plague the world's most cherished hunk — Fabio Lanzoni.

Readers may remember Fabio as the heartthrob who brought middle-class women the greatest pleasure they could ever know via his appearance on the covers of more than 400 romance novels. For his illiterate fans, Fabio selflessly recorded the album Fabio: After Dark, in which he reveals his innermost fantasies, set to the tune of porn music and saxophones. Moreover, Fabio brightened the lives of heart-attack victims and other fatasses by giving them imitation butter with 0 grams of trans fat.

Yet fate was not as kind to Walter Herrmann. Walter, who looks remarkably similar to Fabio, waged a heroic campaign to ride the real hunk's coattails into a career as a romance icon, going to such lengths as growing a luxurious mane and then spraying it with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, just like Fabio does. But Walter's plan backfired, and instead of dribbling hot wax on women, he resigned himself to dribbling basketballs for the Charlotte Bobcats.

Haunted by constant comparisons to Fabio, Walter set out to sabotage his former idol. First, he ruined Fabio's greatest asset when he arranged for a bird to fly into Fabio's face while he rode a rollercoaster at Busch Gardens Williamsburg. Next, he ruined lives when he revealed to the producers of Average Joe Hawaii and the winning average Joe that Fabio had previously dated (and ravished) the show's bachelorette Larissa, an unforgivable act that resulted in the average Joe dumping Larissa and leaving the show.

Though his face may be destroyed and his image tarnished, Fabio's intelligence is stored in his hair, and he soon became wise to Walter's dirty tricks. He has since launched a damage control campaign to reclaim the hearts and minds of his overweight housewife fanbase, shrewdly appearing on the in no way second-rate 1 vs. 100 and Deal or No Deal. Indeed, Walter Herrmann grossly underestimated the tenacity of the man with whom he was dealing — a man who will claw his way back to the top, one autographed breast at a time.

Gawker Stalker

Earlier: Please, Don't Go Danny